Day 5: Slightly emo musings on the politics of friendship

Last night I got a bit of insomnia and didn't go to bed till I think just before 5am. I didn't wake up this morning till 1. I did not get my blog post written before I had to get ready for work. So here I am at 1:12 am after work trying to write something. Alas, I am not in a particularly writerly mood. I guess this is a good exercise in writing even when you don't feel like it.

Today's prompt is supposed to be what my favorite of the lesser holidays is. But my problem is that I don't feel like writing silly posts like that. On the other hand, I also don't feel like writing something intense and requiring of much thought. 

I guess I'll just share a quandary with you all that I've been mulling over today.

What do you do in a relationship when you find your trust in the other person is called into question? 

One of the core tenets of my life philosophy is a firm belief that there are some aspects of a person's experience where they must choose their truth. I think that the clearest example of this in my life has been my relationship with the church. I chose to continue believing in it regardless of the fact that I never got that spiritual confirmation most people base their belief on.

But should this philosophy apply to relationships? 

I have been trying to develop a new friendship recently. It's so difficult to make new friends and I am so abysmally awkward at it. But I have been working hard to overcome the awkward and, more significantly, my natural assumption that all people everywhere find me unbearably annoying and I should not force them to interact with me. I think that I've been doing pretty well. This person seems to like me. They talk to me, sometimes even initiating the conversation. They share things with me that they know I'm interested in. They appreciate when I share things with them. They have done nice things for me. These are all signs that I have to remind myself indicate a good chance that the person I am trying to befriend does in fact like me.

But the other day I learned something about my relationship with this potential friend that could be interpreted multiple ways. It could be something completely innocuous and insignificant. Or, it could be something that is quite hurtful. Unfortunately, I do not know the person well enough to safely assume one way or the other. 

I keep asking myself...should I just decide to act as though I know nothing? To believe, whether it is true or not, that there is nothing questionable about what I heard? I would have been so much happier if I had never been told. It's too easy a thing for my insecurity to latch on to as a reason to shut down and close off. And I don't want to wonder if this person who I like very much is not a safe person for me to invest in emotionally. 

I decided to continue believing in the church because I decided that even if it wasn't true, I would be happier believing that it was, and doing so would not hurt me or anyone else. Do I decide to believe in my friendship with this person even if doing so opens up the possibility that one day I might get hurt? If someone is doing something hurtful is it better to know and be hurt, or no know and be happy? Is that answer still true if it is only the possibility that the hurtful thing is occurring? Really, I'm asking if it is better to be cynical or to be idealistic. 

I'm sorry, this post is ridiculous. It is vague and adolescent. But it is the question which has been plaguing me all day and I would appreciate perspectives. 

Day 4: Heavy thoughts on the state of the the world

Today's prompt was "What is your favorite fairytale and why" which is something that anyone who knows me knows I should be pumped about. I'll probably do that one later on, because I do love fairytales.

But today I'm not feeling fairytales. Today I am thinking a lot about the world we live in. Last night I decided I want to try to take a break from Facebook for a while. I realized that for the last couple of weeks the time that I have spent scrolling through the feed and interacting with people has left me feeling unhappy. I feel anxious and depressed and hopeless.

This is not news to anyone. If we thought things were contentious before November, it only got worse after. To be fair to everyone, I am pretty sure it would have been that way no matter who won (except maybe Bernie Sanders). I will say that the despair would probably have been less dramatic (if no less impassioned) had Hillary won, if only because not a lot of things would have changed. Many people said that Hillary's presidency would be Obama's third term. I give Hillary a little more credit than that, but I do think that transitioning from one democratic president to the next would entail very little grand change. Conservatives could go on hating the government and all presidential policy, and liberals could continue complaining that things weren't changing fast enough.

Trump's victory, however, and the additional election of a Republican congress is a bit different. I'm not talking about Trump as the antiChrist rebirth of Hitler. I just mean that we are completely changing track, if not turning around and heading back where we came from. Trump campaigned on the promise of change, and that is what we will get. And that kind of huge dramatic change causes ripples. Republicans were looking at essentially a continuation of the status quo if Hillary won. Democrats are looking at not just moving ahead in a new direction, but the destruction of everything that they have fought bitterly for over the last several decades. And while that probably sounds like music to the ears of Republicans, I think that they should not be so surprised and disgusted that people are taking it hard.

But that brings me to the meat of the issue. And that is the bitter hatred each party seems to have for the other. There is no level of understanding. Republicans are in full victory mode. They won, so now they get to do what they want, no matter how petty it might be. And they're going to tear down every single thing that Barack Obama ever so much as looked at and smiled. Regardless whether it actually worked, or helped people, or wasn't overtly "Democratic". And Democrats? They are either despairing that the world is ending and we're all going to die in a nuclear winter, or gearing up for an all out war made of the last 8 years of Republican tactics we all couldn't stand just a few months ago.

Society is divided into an Us and a Them. The lines might vary depending on who you are and what you believe in, but what doesn't change is that there is a winner and more importantly, there is a very clear loser. In fact, for it to really count as a victory, your enemy must lose, and hopefully suffer in their losing. Because the word compromise has become synonymous with failure

I think the most depressing part of this is that it is aggressively encompassing. I grew up Republican, with liberal leanings given me by my mother (who I don't think ever realized how brave she was being a Mormon Democrat before there were facebook groups to support her). I migrated into unaffiliated territory as I grew up. I didn't identify as liberal till the last couple of years. And even then I was a conservative liberal. But all of a sudden I find myself digging in to debates on Planned Parenthood and the ACA. I find myself writing impassioned micro essays in facebook threads. But most of all, I come out of those encounters filled with disgust and anger, and absolutely no more understanding of anyone else's opinions but mine than I started with. I was literally raised in the ideology that I am now arguing against, I still have plenty of friends and family who believe it, and  yet I cannot fathom most of their opinions.

I saw a post yesterday calling out Obama for the hypocrisy of his farewell speech, talking about liberty when he had personally enacted "the biggest threat to freedom this nation has ever seen" (also known as the ACA). I said something about how putting the ACA on par with Japanese internment camps and slavery is a bit melodramatic. In his response he said "why do you like the ACA? You're the first person I've spoken to who has." I'm just stuck on that. The internet brings the world to our fingertips and yet we manage to pare it down and edit it to the point that the only way someone can hear something they disagree with is because you somehow became facebook friends with your wife's one liberal cousin and now it would be awkward to unfriend her because you see each other occasionally at funerals. I don't mean to call out this guy specifically. It is true of everyone, including myself.

But later on, on that same status someone else commented in response to me that the ACA IS slavery. Any time the government forces people to buy something they don't want it is slavery. The level of social insulation required to make that statement nearly made my brain explode. But to that guy, and more significantly, to everyone else on that thread who didn't say "I'm sorry, are you insane?", his statement made sense. It was true. I don't know how you navigate a world with divisions that fundamental.

And that's the problem. I fancy myself an understanding person. I like to think that I can listen to people and understand them. But I feel like I'm losing that. I feel like the world is losing that. I feel like communication is dying, and all that is left is propaganda and the need to be right and prove other people wrong. If I can't stop it happening to myself, what hope is there of stopping it happening to the world?

Day 3. What were your top 3 favorite movies growing up?

So we didn't really watch TV when I was little, nor a lot of movies. So I guess this post is easier because there aren't a lot of options to choose from.

We'll start with the #3 favorite movie and then work to the top.

3. I think I'd have to put Mulan here. Not necessarily because it was my brother's and my favorite per se. But it was probably the movie we watched the most. See, my dad would buy us whatever kids movie was big at the time, and we'd watch it with him, and then when we went back to our mom's we'd bring it with us. But when Mulan came out, he really loved it. He loved it so much that he wouldn't let us take it back to our mom's with us. So it became the one kids movie that he owned. And since both of us were too young to drive or go out on our own, and we didn't have any games or toys at our dad's house, watching movies was all we had to do all day while dad was at work. Which meant that when we went to visit him, if we didn't make it to the video store early on in the trip, all we had to watch was Mulan. Over and over and over again. Luckily, we both really liked Mulan. To this day I think Dan and I can probably quote 78% of the movie word for word. Below was our absolute favorite part. Start at 2:57.

2. I'm gonna say this one is The Brave Little Toaster. My mom gave me a copy of The Brave Little Toaster a year or two back for Christmas and my brother and I watched it again. We were left with the conviction that Blankie is literally the most annoying character that has ever been, Lamp and Radio are by far the best characters in the movie, and whoever thought of a movie about a little boy's household appliances Incredible Journeying it back to him was definitely high on crack. Also, as with all our movies that weren't bought for us by our father, this one was a recording off TV by someone who was...over-zealous in their determination to skip commercials, and with an incredibly short attention span. So about 20% of the movie was cut out around the commercials, and then they just stopped recording when the appliances hit the city. Or maybe they were just doing some judicious editing, because when my brother and I watched the DVD we were suddenly seeing all these scenes we'd never seen before, including a horrifying dream sequence and a terrible pre-Toy-Story-3 junk yard scene ending that were legit disturbing. Seriously, watch this and tell me this was not made by a bunch of people out of their minds on cocaine

1. The number 1 movie is  by far.....Mickey and the Beanstalk. Also recorded off TV, but with a lot less [accidental] editing, this is hands down both my brother's and my favorite movie of our childhood. We still quote it constantly. And unlike The Brave Little Toaster, this movie holds up into adulthood. I literally just rewatched it a few weeks ago because I still love it. Apparently there were two versions of the movie, with two different framing devices. I never saw it, but I guess there's a version where you have live action people on a picnic or something, telling the story of Mickey rescuing the magic harp through the use of puppets which then turn into the cartoon? It is terrible, or so I've been told. On the other hand, the One True Version, which is the one we grew up watching, is all animation; Ludwig Von Drake (Scrooge McDuck's brother I believe because that's how accents and names work in families) telling the story to his best friend, Herman the Cricket (no relation to Jiminy). Professor Von Drake is explaining to Herman how fairy tales are expressions of the unconscious and attempts to explain unusual phenomena, hence the existence of magic. Herman insists that he believes all the stories actually happened exactly as they are told, including the magic. Herman is, of course, proved right at the end when Willy the Giant himself shows up, lifting the roof off Ludwig's home. Ludwig has a mental breakdown. Seriously, if you've never seen this movie, you should watch it. It is delightful. And the scene of the vine growing up to Willy's castle in the sky while Mickey, Donald, and Goofy sleep, remains one of my favorite animation sequences of all time. But the whole thing is amazing. I offer you this clip:

Seriously. every line is quotable. "If it was one man and three beans...but one bean, AND THREE MEN! Anyway, what a nice thing there are no bones in it!"

Day 2: Where did you grow up? Share some memories...

Well, it's 1:40 and I have to get ready for work in just under an hour, so today's post will be an exercise in speedy writing. I am not good at speedy writing. Here we go.

I grew up in two places, really. I was born in New Mexico and we lived there till just before my 8th birthday.

Several years ago I drove a roommate down to New Mexico for a wedding and on the way back we were able to stop at my old house. The woman who lived there was so kind, she let me wander around the property and even let me come in the house to use the bathroom. I don't know if I've ever had a more surreal experience than that trip. Finding the house (I had to call my grandpa for directions) I kept driving past unexpectedly familiar things that would jump out of the background of an otherwise completely strange place. Things like an old bridge with odd wire shapes on the side, or the street up to the church building. Or the ice cream place my grandma took me that I thought for years after was Orange Julius, but is in fact called the Vanilla Moose (we stopped and got the very same drink and it tasted exactly as delicious as I remembered it, which was freaking magical). Then getting to the actual house where everything was both incredibly familiar and also so different. My grandparents' house had fallen into complete disrepair and was basically a rundown shack. Our old place now with a closed in porch all around.

But what are some specific memories I have of that house? I remember standing on the porch down at the end by the driveway. I think the porch was still level at this time; it hadn't yet been been left all akilter after my uncle had to excavate a skunk out from under it (I remember so many skunks having to be removed out from under our house, which was a single-wide trailer with an addition built on). I'm standing there on the porch and someone....I think maybe one of the Hinke children, which would have made it Heber since he and my uncle Jesse were best friends...has just given me a piece of candy.  I put the candy in my mouth and almost instantly begin to cry. It was a Warhead and it felt like it was burning through my tongue (this was not a lesson I learned as I later on developed a great love of Warheads and did in fact burn a hole in my tongue from eating an entire bag in just a few days). I cried, but I didn't spit it out. I remember getting to that last tiny burst of sour in the center.

I remember my mom making us popcorn in her black and white and orange air popper. We would sit around the stove up in the living room and listen to records. Bible stories that were in black and gold sleeves, or the soundtrack from Popeye (whenever that came out). Mom would scratch our backs and I don't think anything in my life since has ever been that cozy.

I think the top on my mom's was much more yellow. But otherwise it was just like this

oh my gosh. I actually found one. I freaking love the internet.

I think we must have been incredibly frustrating children, my brother and I. We would play these games at night. Mom would tell us we were not to get out of bed, so we would take our blankets and sheets and our silkies (my mom's old nightgowns which we were absolutely obsessed with and each had our own collection of) and we would stretch them out end to end. And at the very end we would be stretched out, literally one toe still touching the chain, laying on the floor declaring that we were still technically in bed. We could make it almost to the kitchen that way. I am not sure how mom didn't strangle us on those nights.

I remember so clearly the day my brother came in after crashing on his bike. His knees were bright red, though thinking back they must have just been thoroughly skinned. There was no blood running down his legs. But that was the moment I became terrible afraid of bikes. Instead of learning to ride my own (I got a beautiful white and pink and purple one for Christmas one year) I would run along pushing it. Or I would just run along with Dan as he rode his. That was back when I liked to run...

I didn't actually learn to ride a bike until we moved up to Oregon. This is where I finished growing up (did you see that segue? maximum smooth!). I eventually forced myself to learn to ride my bike on the dirt road behind the house. I think I must have been 10? I don't know. But I would push myself along and coast as long as I could keep my balance. It took a while before I got up the courage to actually pedal.

In the Union house I got my own bedroom for the first time. Up till then Dan and I had shared a room. In high school I decorated by putting up pictures of wild animals salvaged from calendars. I lined them up in a border around the ceiling. It was very hard for me to throw those away when I moved out for college. I have the heart of a hoarder.

pretty sure I had the 1999 version of this exact calendar

Mom has always loved rearranging the furniture, but when I was 9 or 10 she put together a configuration that left a tiny alcove between the couch and the wall. This became my little hiding place for what felt like quite a long time. I would hide in there and write. I wrote an incredibly stereotypical story about a girl who found a magical horse by a river and tamed it. I don't remember why, but eventually mom banned me from hiding in that little place.

I started public school in Oregon. Up till then I had been home school. There were kids my own age. More than that, there were girls my own age. I experienced my first sleep overs, my first birthday parties, my first experiences with the politics of childhood friendship. I was not good at it. When asked which boy I liked the most I did not know that the correct response was to giggle and drop hints. I just said I liked Remington the most because he was quiet and shy and seemed nice.

It's almost time for me to get ready for work, so I have to wrap this up. Of course there are so many more memories. These just happened to be the first to pop into my head. And very unedited because I didn't have the time. Ah well...

Day 1: Give us a quick snapshot of your life right at this moment

A quick snapshot of my life. Well, above is a picture of my face and shoulders, so this is what the top quarter of me looks like. It includes a new pair of glasses.

Basic facts.
I'm about 5'10". There may be some fractions more or less (I think less?) but 5'10" is close enough. My eyes are blueish, with a tendency toward grey. I have boring light brown hair that recently was a glorious blue (and will be again one day). I weigh....shoot, I have no idea. But it's a lot. Probably over 300? idk. I am built with a tendency toward top-heaviness which I inherited from my father's family.

Job facts.
I work for a company called Boostability. They perform SEO work for small businesses. I did not know what SEO stood for when I applied for this job. I had to google it. It stands for Search Engine Optimization. Then I had to google what that meant. It means doing stuff that encourages Google to rank your website on the first page of search results on particular keyword searches that are relevant to you. For instance, my blog would be relevant to a search for, say, "existential rambling blog". I now know how I could convince Google that I am probably the most relevant blog for that term and show up as the #1 result for that search. Though I don't think I'm going to do that. Anyway, I work for Boostability. Specifically, I am the "Onboarding Specialist" for the Sensis team, which means I set up the new accounts and I work with Australians. I work ridiculous hours, which happen to align with Melbourne business hours (Sun-Thurs 3-12). I get called "sweetheart' a lot by the older men I speak to. I find it charming. I also sometimes get hit on by some of the older men I speak to. I find that hilarious. I have a really great team I get to work with. And I have three awesome bosses. I used to have two awesome bosses and one mediocre boss, but then he got "downsized" and replaced with a fully awesome boss. #lifeisharshinthewild

Religious facts.
Ugh. Let's not and say we did. So much work.

Personal facts.
I turned 30 in September. I struggle with the existential angst of someone who grew up being told she has all the potential and who has ultimately done almost nothing with it. I have a cat name Oliver Tesla Tucci who I named after Oliver Platt, Nicola Tesla, and Stanley Tucci (all men that I feel like are completely underrated in their fields). If you don't follow me on facebook or instagram (and if that is case, how did you even find this blog? did you search "existential rambling blog"?) then you haven't seen a picture of him. LET ME FIX THAT RIGHT NOW! (if you do follow me you had to be expecting this)

this is the picture I just used to make my custom case for my new phone. 

this is the picture I almost used for my new phone case. I only meant to upload this one, but google gave me both. Clearly Google appreciates how adorable my cat is and who am I to say google nay. 

As an almost complete shut-in, Oliver basically constitutes my significant other. Yesterday he rode on my shoulders as I danced to this song

which I am currently obsessed with. He enjoys dancing with me, probably because I don't make him do it too often.

I live in a basement apartment with Oliver, a hedgehog named Phoebe, a hamster name Sophie, and the thudding noises of children upstairs as roommates. Currently, all of my plants are dying from lack of sunlight and it is making me very depressed.

Because I work such ridiculous hours, I do not do much socially. To be fair, I didn't do much socially even when I didn't work ridiculous hours. But it's nice to have something to blame that on now. I went on two dates this year with a man I met on Tinder. I can't actually remember his name now, but he was a very tiny man who was very nice and very interested in hooking up with me. After two dates I asked my coworker to send him an "it's not gonna work out text". He handled it very gracefully. I haven't really used Tinder since. I am superlatively bad at dating.

Other things.

Mostly just because I want to write them down and I'm writing right now, here are some of my goals for the coming year.

• I want to be more productive. I don't want to just sit and browse facebook all day every day. I want to create things. Even if they're things that other people could have created better (historically one of my big blocks when trying to create). Some of the projects I would like to complete this year are
• build another book shelf to replace the ugly plastic shelves I'm currently using
• figure out some way to store and display all my beautiful scarves
• take up painting again
• make something to hang over my couch to hide the weird painted shut panel in the wall
• read at least 3 new books I've never read before (not just reread my favorites over again)
• write another story, even if it sucks
• make my bed every morning
• clean the house every Saturday
• Take charge of my life more. I want to actually plan out my days so I don't get to the end of them and realize that I basically didn't do anything at all. Toward this goal I would like to
• every Sunday sit down and write out everything I'd like to accomplish that week and then break that up into realistic daily to-do lists
• use the gym membership that Boostability subsidizes for me (eurgh)
• by the end of the year I would like to not be eating fast food save as a very rare treat. 
• as a first step to this, and part of my previous goal about consciously taking charge of my life, in February I'm going to try creating weekly menu plans.
• write to Danielle at least every other month. Also write to Tori (but first get her address because I lost it)

So there you have it. A basic overview of my life...ish...with an outline of how I'd like my year to progress. If you have a deep burning question about something I did not mention, feel free to comment and ask. The comment section is readable now, with this new blog theme. So that's nice. 

A New 30 In 30 Challenge!

Oh hey there friends. It appears that I have not posted on my blog since July of last year. That is kind of terrible. On the other hand, I moved into a new apartment in August of last year, and that apartment didn't really get internet until a week or two ago. So there are reasons. I guess. (We're not going to talk about the fact that I wrote a grand total of 3 posts in 2016)

Anyway, here I am again. With a new blog template! Literally the first time I've updated the template since I created this blog in 2010 (7 YEARS AGO??!!).

*ahem*

Two of my work friends invited me to join them in a 30 day challenge in January. One is going to try to paint every day for 30 days. The other is going to bake every day. My goal was to write/post on my blog every day. As it is January 7th, you may safely assume that I got off to a very good start on this. But whatever, I'll just start now. No point fussing.

I did a 30 day blog posting challenge a couple of years ago, as some people might remember. I used a prompt list and by the end I had learned one thing: that prompt list was incredibly stupid. On day 10, in fact, the prompt was so stupid that instead I decided to write my own list. And I'm going to be honest, my beans should be about done cooking by now and I'm really hungry. I don't really want to sit here and try to think of a new list of 30 prompts when I have one ready made. Plus I went back and re-read it and I still like most of the prompts. So....yeah. Gonna just use the old one.

But I'm gonna add a twist. If anyone has anything they really want me to write about (real things, imaginary things, whatever...you know I am good at having opinions about things) they should comment somewhere I'll see it (here, fbook, g+) and I'll add it in to the mix. Maybe I'll replace a post I'm not feeling one day, or maybe I'll just keep on going. And if I myself think of something I'd rather write about, well then I'll write about it. Because I'm the boss of me.

Also, if anyone has any interest in knowing what is coming up, or if maybe you want to take part in my list of blogging prompts yourself and are too lazy to go find it (no judgement, plus I touched this one up) I am posting it below. It was in response to a list of "getting to know you" prompts, so it tends in that direction.

1. Give us a quick snapshot of your life right at this moment
2. Where did you grow up?  Share some memories...
3. What were your top 3 favorite movies growing up?
4. What is your favorite fairy tale and why?
5. What is your favorite non-big-5 holiday (not Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, New Year, or Easter) and why?
6. Which literary world would you pick to live in instead of reality, and why?  Remember, you get alllll the parts of your chosen world, bad as well as good.
7. What books are you most looking forward to sharing with your children and why?
8. What superhero do you wish was your best friend and why?  Are there different versions of this hero? If so, which version of him or her are you choosing?
9. What are the top five most shameful songs in your collection?
10. What always makes you cry? Song/movie/story/commercial/etc
11. If you were to suddenly develop a mental illness, which is most likely for your personality?
12. If you had to have a mental illness, but you got to pick, which would you pick?
13. What are your top 3-5 favorite jokes?
14. What is your dream career (regardless of its actual existence)?
15. What is one random, non-touristy place you want to visit? Why?
16. What are your top 5 secretly favorite features/abilities/attributes about yourself?
17. Is there anything you wish people knew about you?
18. What is your weirdest food eccentricity?
19. What are five fantasy items you'd love to have in your wardrobe if you had the money?
20. What is your best story?
21. Which Disney film is your favorite and why?
22. What's the best meal you've ever eaten and why?
23. What is one skill you wish you had the time/money/resources to learn?
24. If you could instantly change one single thing about yourself what would it be? How do you feel about that?
25. What are your top 5 biggest pet peeves?
26. Is there anything you secretly love/want that you're afraid to admit because you don't think people will think it is "you"?  (does this even make sense?)
27. Where are your top 3 dream cities to live in and why?
28. You showed up to work with a black eye...how did you get it?  
29. You have a time machine. Where is the first place you go?
30. What are 5 songs you love to belt out in the car?

Prompt 28: My Favorite Movie

nope.

movies I really like

• The Giant Mechanical Man
• Moulin Rouge
• The Fall
• Ever After
• The Dark Knight
• V for Vendetta
• You've Got Mail
• one BILLION others

Prompt 27: A Picture of You Last Year and Now and How You Have Changed Since Then

This picture is of me and Phish on Valentine's Day last year at blues.

That pictures is of me and Brock at graduation.  We managed to run into each other both days!

Obviously, the biggest change is that I am graduated.  I am not as skinny as I was then.  I don't go dancing quite as much.  My hair is longer.  That's about all I've got...

Prompt 26: A Photo of Somewhere I've Been To

THE CLIFFS OF INSANITY!!!!!!!!!

please note the people on the top...to give you an idea of scale

Prompt 25: What's In Your Purse?

Though it is, in fact, a pretty large purse, there is really hardly anything in it.

• wallet
• keys
• tiny mirror
• box of tic tacs
• headphones
• partial roll of tums
• if I'm going anywhere, typically my phone is in it as well
• on Sundays I have my journal
• sometimes I have my iPad with me

I'm not good at being one of those people who is prepared for any and everything with their purse.  For that you want Kara.  

Prompt 24: A Letter to Someone who has Hurt Me Recently

Sorry, this ended up being kind of intense... :-/

Dear friend,

I ran into you the other day.  I hadn't seen you in a couple years, since before you had your baby.  I was excited to meet him and to see you.  I smiled at you and your spouse and crouched down to see your lovely little boy.  I'm so glad I got to meet him in person.

But when I stood back up I noticed that you weren't really smiling.  Not a real smile.  I know because we used to be best friends and I was very good at making you smile.  I tried to start a conversation but you only replied with one-word answers.  Your spouse and I chatted easily, but you stood there in silence.

You're married now, so it makes sense we wouldn't be as close as we used to be.  But I know that we were growing apart long before you ever met your spouse and that a large part of that was my fault and it hurt your feelings.  I'm so sorry about that and I've been trying to make it up to you for years now.  It was something I needed to do and I wish I'd known how to do it more gracefully, or at least how to tell you what I was doing.

But I thought that maybe you had forgiven me for that.  You invited me to your parents' house for your wedding.  You were almost like the old you.  You invited me to dinner with you and your spouse and brother and again, you were friendly and I thought maybe we were, if not the friends we once were (there was a reason that had to end) at least friends who remembered that we used to be inseparable.  Friends who were ok with the fact that we couldn't maintain the relationship we'd had in college, but would always care about each other.

But when I saw you standing there, acting polite of all things, I knew that I was another victim of that selective memory I had witnessed so many times.  The memory that turned exes you had thought about marrying into random people you'd hung out with a couple of times but were never really serious with.  I saw that our relationship had met the same fate.  We weren't dear, close friends...I was just someone who you'd known a few years back.

And that hurt me.  You hurt me.  Your polite fake-smile and your one word sentences.

That's why I left so quickly.  I didn't want to force you to keep being polite, but much more I didn't want to keep listening to you as you told me that you, someone I will always care about so much, no longer cared about me.

sincerely,

me

Prompt 23: A Photo of Something that Means A Lot to Me

I feel a little bit self-conscious about using this.  I feel like I mention my grandma too much, for some reason.  That is her spoon ring, which she wore virtually every single day (I believe she used it to keep her wedding ring, which was just a little bit big, on her finger).

I keep it on that chain (because grandma had unbelievably skinny fingers) and I wear it on days when I miss her.  Which I continue to do with a regularity I never expected.  I wore it today, in fact.  It's comforting to have something of hers that I can keep with me.

And...I think that is enough about that.

Prompt 22: 15 Things About Myself

1. I love twinkle lights.  If I could I would have them everywhere always, especially outside
2. I would rather wash the dishes then put them away
3. I am 27 years old, turning 28 in September.  Somehow I manage to have severe anxiety about running out of time in my life whilst also kind of looking forward to getting old
4. I get what I think are panic attacks, but I'm not actually sure...
5. I did not learn to ride a bike till I was 12 or 13, nor did I get my driver's license till I was 18
6. I actually like a simple McDonald's hamburger now and then (#judgeme)
7. I have a mole right in the middle of my sternum that I share with my mother, my grandmother, and I believe my Aunt Vickie as well...though I think mom got hers removed a few years back.
8. (numbers 9-14 were submitted by Taka and Michelle because that's more interesting than just having me write)Emily has amazing taste in music
9. Emily has the most extensive movie knowledge of anyone ever (this is not true)
10. Emily only washes dishes by hand
11. Emily is very well-read (only sort of true...so many more books for me to read!)
12. Emily can have entire conversations using only movie quotes
13. Emily gives the best commentary during movies (I could find several people to disagree with this statement)
14. Road trips with Emily will inevitably include a Disney sing-a-long (as well as Mika and Queen)
15. Emily cannot handle spicy food (this is 100% true, but on the other hand I can out-sour everyone I've ever met)

Prompt 21: A Photo of Something That Makes Me Happy

Today is a good day to write this post because it was not the happiest day at work I've ever had.  Sometimes Caleb takes on contract assembly work for me (that is, other companies hire us [me] to assemble small numbers of products for them) especially when work for me is thin on the ground as it has been for the last month.  Unfortunately, the latest contract job he got me didn't come together until this week...aka the week when we finally did get actual work of our own to do.  Suffice it to say, this has been a crazy week, made doubly so coming straight on the heels of all my previous down time.  I worked over 40 hours in what was supposed to be a short week.  I detail all of this simply to set the stage for my day today, which was the day I finally started this contract project.  Or rather, tried to start it.

See, the core of my job is PCB assembly.  That means that I build these:

quite literally, actually.  That's one of the sensors we sell, the GP9, which I assembled last year (and, incidentally, it is the picture I took for the website).  I don't know how well you can see, but each of those little parts has a little label next to it, like C1 or U9 or whatever.  Those labels tell me which part goes where by way of what we call a BOM (Bill Of Materials).  I go through the BOM one component at a time to populate a board.

In a perfect world the BOM lists each type of part together--all the capacitors, resistors, ICs, etc together.  It's easy to read, it's clear, and it absolutely does not inspire within me the urge to rip my hair out of my head.  The world was not perfect today as I looked at the BOM for our contract project.

The most ridiculous part of this entire story is the fact that, after spending literally 8 hours going over this BOM, sorting out all the parts, asking poor Caleb all the questions, repeatedly bashing my head into the desk, and otherwise cursing every single person who might have even glanced at this BOM and not fixed the one billion problems I was having...there actually only ended up being 2 real concrete mistakes.  Just a lot of technically benign stupidity.  Which was awesome because it meant that all of the stress I'd passed on to Caleb had really been mostly my own fault.  Bless him, he did such a good job of not slapping my face when we finally settled on the two mistake conclusion.  He's such a good boss...

Briefly, my problems involved incredibly unhelpful product descriptions, missing parts, part descriptions which didn't match part numbers, and part numbers which didn't match actual parts.  The same part was listed multiple times as a new part.  And I refuse to feel guilty about my struggles in the face of the ultimate two mistake total.  I maintain that anyone would have been confused by the mess that was that BOM.

All of this is to say that my day was deeply frustrating.  Frustrations with other people, frustrations with myself, and, of course, dealing with Caleb's frustrations about the whole thing (not least being the fact that I spent an entire day dealing with this madness).

And yet.

In the midst of this I decided I must needs listen to something happy or truly my brain was going to start pinging.

this is where I would put the video of Rory complaining about her brain pinging if I could find it.  But I couldn't...which is incredibly lame and causes me to question the state of the internet

So I decided to listen to a song that I discovered yesterday by creepily stalking my friend Jarom on Spotify.  And by stalking I mean that it showed up on my player that Jarom had listened to this song and for reasons I do not understand, I thought "huh, that looks good...I'll listen to it!"  Understand, the thumbnail they give you of any given album is literally the size the north face of a sugar cube.  And the song was called "Ala Barfi" by Mohit Chauhan.  Which is fine, I'm just saying that, as the title was in a foreign language I had exactly none connection with it.

All that being said, I did listen to it for some reason and discovered perhaps the happiest song I've ever heard.  I proceeded to listen to the entire album (technically, a soundtrack to a movie somewhat unfortunately named "Barfi") as I struggled through the annoyances of the day.  And somehow, magically, it was exactly the right thing.  My mood picked up and I was able to simply find the entire experience amusing rather than hair-rippingly frustrating.

Which is to say, I am not posting a photo of something that makes me happy, but rather posting that song.  If you have the interest I heartily suggest going and listening to the entire album.  But that first song was really the best one.  So, without further ado, here it is

also, for the first time I find that I want to watch a Bollywood movie...like a lot...

Prompt 20: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Title

Ah, now that's not bad, as silly prompts go.  

To be honest, there isn't a whole lot of meaning behind my blog title.  I wanted something that I liked the sound of, something that was broad enough that I could post about whatever I wanted, and basically just something that felt right.  I asked Caleb what he thought and he said that the title did seem adequately broad, so basically that sealed the deal.  

And even though it is really pretty generic, I do quite like my blog title. 

You'd think I'd have more to say on this topic...but you'd be wrong... 

Prompt 19: Another Picture of Myself

Dude, seriously?  You had such a hard time coming up with prompts that you included "a picture of yourself" three times? (it's also the prompt for the last day)  Come up with better prompts.

seems pretty accurate.

What's that?  You want a different one?  Ok...

This is possibly my favorite picture of me ever.  Possibly.




Can you tell I'm blasting through these trying to get caught up?

Prompt 18: Something I Crave A Lot

Things I crave a lot:

• sleep
• sugar
• cookies
• ice cream
• otter pops
• white rabbit milk flavored candies
• Good'n'Plenty
• various other candy
• milk
• 2%
• chocolate
• random movies/books/songs
• long drives
• meat
• dancing
• movement
• connection
• good conversation
• affection
• alone time
• fall

that seems like a pretty good list for being right off the top of my head...

prompt 17: A Photo of Me and My Family

I know, I know, I'm like two weeks behind.  Like anyone actually cares.

This prompt is actually kind of hard because I, like my mother before me, don't really like being in pictures.  That said, I just graduated, so tradition dictated that I take a few pictures with the parental units.  Separately, of course, because that's how we bounce in this family.  Also noticeably lacking are any and all siblings.  But here are pictures of me with the various sets

I think I have the same face-shape as my dad.  Also, in comparison to both him and Cristy...I have a gigantic noggin'!

apparently my mother was not even a little excited about my graduation because this is her expression in literally every picture.  Sort of a "meh" kind of look...

prompt 16: My Celebrity Crush

This is a really hard question because I have many celebrity crushes and they change often.  For instance, today I put on Law and Order: SVU to play in the background whilst I was at work and, as always happens when I watch that show, I fell deeply in love with the magnificent Elliot Stabler aka Christopher Meloni

look at these babies...so silly

I'll be honest, I don't think you could find a more viscerally attractive man to me than Elliot Stabler.  He's big and strong and about as protective as it gets and I am a total sucker for that.

Then again, as I admitted in an earlier post, I absolutely have a thing for Chris Thile

I find him nerdy and adorable and I have this weird dream of us singing together cause I think our voices would match really well.  And, I'll point out that he's about as opposite Chris Meloni as you can get.

Before I started watching L&O:SVU, however, I was watching Elementary.  In my defense, I fell in love with Jonny Lee Miller several years ago when I saw him in...Emma and Mansfield Park and Eli Stone.  But this show has not helped with the obsession.  Because tattoos!  And scruff!

But I originally fell in love with him for his eyes.  I mean...look at them (cause those pictures up there are useless except for the tattoos)

Of course, if we're gonna talk about kind of goofy looking British men who I love passionately, you know who must be included

Objectively I can understand that he's not actually an especially handsome man, but that doesn't change the fact that I absolutely love his face and his all of him and would definitely make out with him at a party and try to convince him that we should go out for dinner.

Interestingly, as I'm thinking about all of these, most of these guys, with the marked exception of Meloni, are guys that I find adorable rather than "sexy" (so to speak).  Thus, this next guy fits right in

You literally cannot get more adorable than Lee Pace.  Like...it's physically impossible.  With his sweet grin and gigantic eyebrows and his chucks....he is truly the pinnacle of adorable man-person.

But let's get crazy, cause you know I have some random people on this list...

but only young Gene Wilder...he got scary in his old age

I honestly believe that young Tim Robbins is my celebrity soulmate

this guy won me over when he played young Captain Picard and
if he were taller I would be hopeless

Anyway, I can't think of any more legitimate crushes off the top of my head.  That is, I could come up with an endless stream of guys I think are attractive, but these are the guys I fantasize about meeting by chance and the two of us fall madly in love and get married and defy Hollywood pressures to remain happily married for forever.  Which is not to say that this list is complete.  If I think of any more I'll be sure to come update it.  And I haven't even touched the topic of lady crushes, which is a whole other thing...

next up: Post 17: a photo of me and my family


ATTENTION!

not long after I wrote this I cam across this picture

on this site.

I feel that it is important to include Fass here because, setting aside the issue of height, because I think he's a bit compact....he is kind of a perfect looking man.  I mean.  Really.  Look at his face.  Look at it.  and his shoulders.  and his hands.  and his all of him.  That man is the essence of masculine beauty right there.

Prompt 15: Something You Don't Leave the House Without

To be completely honest probably the only things that I definitely never leave my house without would be some form of corrective eye-wear and clothing.  Literally everything else you can think of to take with you out of the house I have forgotten at some point or another.  And if I wasn't utterly blind without them I probably would forget my glasses/contacts too.