*DISCLAIMER*
This post deals with really sensitive issues and I understand a lot of people will probably be very upset with me for writing it. My goal was not to upset anyone, but rather to work through my own thoughts in writing and give others a chance to share their own opinions and experiences. Also, primarily the situations I am referring to are a limited sample. That is, I understand that there are plenty of times when the things I'm talking about are completely irrelevant--instances where there is a clear-cut right and wrong and a man very clearly forced himself on a woman against her will. Please don't think that I am, in any way, trying to dismiss the seriousness of rape or attempted rape or the repercussions it has on its victims.
*DISCLAIMER*
A few weeks ago I had a really intense discussion with my roommate about women's rights, specifically this campaign against the so-called "victim shaming" that sexual assault victims so often experience. Summer, my roommate, is very passionate about this topic while I had given it little thought, and our conversation really made me stop and think. Today I read this article by Katie J.M. Baker about why it is important to pay attention to rapists telling their side of the story. It also presents some very interesting ideas, and, at the risk of painting a target on my back, I would like to share some of my own thoughts.
Over and over throughout the article the point is made that rape isn't just something that happens to modest, virginal girls walking innocently home from class by scary strangers. It happens to girls with some cleavage showing and lots of leg. It happens to girls who flirt and tease and fool around. It happens with guys that girls know. The point is, even if a girl isn't a demure model of blushing femininity that does not mean that she deserves to be raped. That word, "deserve," is the key. No one ever deserves to have something so precious taken from them against their will. This is the foundation of the fight against victim blaming. No one deserves to be assaulted, thus your behavior shouldn't matter because no matter what it is...you get the point.
So the fight has been to turn the blame back on the men who are doing the assaulting. It doesn't matter how "slutty" she dresses or acts, or how convinced you are that really she wants your big bad manliness in her life, the decision to assault her is yours and yours alone. Women shouldn't have to moderate their behavior because you cannot moderate yours. It is time for men to grow up and take responsibility for their actions. No matter what the situation was--no matter what--in the end you were the one who imposed your will on hers, answered your wants above hers, valued your person-hood as being greater than hers. And don't pull out some bull about how men just "can't help themselves" once they get going. I think the most surprising part of these men's stories were the men who saw their victims' faces, saw the terror or the pain there, realized what they were doing was wrong, and stopped. Ms. Baker chooses to focus on the disgusting fact that so few of these attackers even bother to look at their victims in the face, but I'd rather focus on the ones who did and the fact that, too little too late though it may be, these men were able to realize what was happening and stop themselves. I think there is no stronger argument against the "it's just my nature and I can't help it" than that.
Everything that I have said thusfar I completely agree with. I stand by it.
And yet...
Having established all of this, I can't help but feel that there is something missing.
The first comment that I saw at the end of this article was from a woman who told her own story of...she didn't want to call it rape. She explained that she and her friends got drunk and stoned and one of them led her back to the bedroom and they had sex. She says that she was thinking "no" but she never said it, never did anything to let the man know she wanted him to stop, and even followed him back to the room of her own free will. She writes about how she doesn't know who to blame--him? herself? her friend who sat by and watched? She doesn't know.
I think this woman is incredibly brave. The very next comment is someone assuring her passionately "it's not your fault! It's not your fault!" and telling her to talk to an assault network for support. They explain that she was not in a state to give consent, and even if she had, since she was so inebriated it wouldn't have "counted," so to speak, anyway. They are assuring her, essentially, that wherever the blame lies, it is not with her.
But she is not expressing the guilt of a terrorized victim. Rather, she is looking at the situation, taking all the variables into account, and she is expressing regret that it happened. And that is why I think she is brave. Because in a society that is virtually demanding that the blame be heaped upon the head of the man, this woman is willing to say that she shared a part in what happened. She acted in a certain way, and then she experienced the consequences.
Consequences. That is what is missing in this story of rape that we have created.
Remember, I do not believe that anyone ever for any reason deserves to have their agency taken from them by another person. They do not deserve to be treated as an object of gratification rather than a feeling, thinking human being. No one deserves that.
But actions do not exist in a vacuum.
The fact is, I have always felt uncomfortable with the terms of the fight against "victim blaming". Women should be able to behave and dress however they want? I would ask why? Why should they be given a luxury that no one else has ever been given?
What I see in these debates about rape is a passionate wish to find someone to "blame". People want something so horrible to be someone's fault. But blame is a tricky thing. It is rarely black and white, one or the other. Nothing happens in isolation, there are always circumstances surrounding it. Women do not ever deserve to be raped, but the fact is that we live in a society. The way we interact with others tells them how to interact with us. That is the way it is. Thus, if a woman behaves in a way that is understood to be encouraging she should not be surprised that men are encouraged.
There is so much that I am thinking and that I want to say, but I think the ultimate point that I want to make is that people seem, more and more, to want their world to exist without consequences. Women should be able to go out and have a good time without worrying that some slobbering ape of a man will take advantage of them while they're drunk? But look at it this way--if you are so drunk that you either cannot express your dissent or that you don't even realize that you don't want to, then why is a drunk man supposed to be more responsible? Pull it even further back--if we, as a society, have embraced a passtime that depends entirely on the lowering of inhibitions and the stripping of our ability to make rational decisions, how can we then be upset when we wake up the next morning to realize that we made stupid decisions? If we, as a society, reinvent sex as a fun recreational activity shared by friends and strangers, how can we be surprised when some people aren't sure how to take signals and don't know where other people's limits are?
So what am I trying to say? That we should go back to shaming the victims of assault and assuming that if a girl got "raped" really she was just asking for it and she should stop being such a dang slut? No. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, in the end, very much what Ms. Baker was saying. This is an issue that needs to be discussed. So many of these men's stories refer to his belief that really she was into it, she wanted him. We need to find a way to help men understand issues of consent and a way for women to understand issues of communication. Men: sex is never a given, she can always change her mind, and she has the right to say no. Women: you are responsible for the situations you put yourselves in, your behavior has consequences, and you cannot expect a person to know anything you do not tell him or her.
One last time, I would like to reiterate that I do not mean to imply that rape is something deserved, or that a person who rapes another person is not ultimately responsible for that decision. That is the whole point. We are all responsible for our decisions, no matter how badly we don't want to be. No matter how much we want events to exist in isolation, they are a part of a whole. There are actions and there are consequences to those actions. No matter how badly you want to "blame" someone, to make everything one person's fault, doing so oversimplifies the issue and ignores the real problems. Everyone needs to take their own responsibility.
Maybe since I'm a guy my opinion doesn't count but I think you're spot on. Speaking more generally, I think both the inability of individuals to accept ANY responsibility for their actions along with the sense of entitlement that seems rampant today (maybe always?) are really large issues. This isn't just about rape imo, it's about a deeper problem in our society. Thoughtful post though.
ReplyDeleteSo many current societal problems can be traced back to people not wanting to take responsibility for their actions.
ReplyDeleteI think you may be conflating two things. On the one hand, what is reasonable for a woman to do to protect herself, and the underlying societal dysfunction that makes entirely a woman's responsibility to do just that. And a third thing, which is grey-area sexual experiences, which are, ultimately unduly influenced by that same culture.
ReplyDeleteAll my life I've been taught to dress modestly, be nice and polite, but still be prepared, watchful at all times, for the male of the species and their complete lack of self control. Which, it was implied, was to be expected. This has also been described as Schrodinger's Rapist ( http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/ )
You may have guessed that the Schrodinger's Rapist model is untenable for many reasons. One, it presumes that all men are mindless sex machines and cannot be trusted, but mostly it encourages women to live in fear. Because if they aren't fearful enough, they might get raped, and that would be their fault.
Most women are raped by people they trust. A friend of mine was out dancing with a group, and one of the guys offered her a ride home. They were friends, they had classes together. Then he said, Oh, why don't you just crash on my couch? She'd crashed on friend's couches before, and it was late, so she said okay. And yeah, woke up with him tearing her clothes off. She fought. She was a virgin. She had a rape kit done, but eventually didn't press charges, because the trail process was not something she felt she could deal with. Her rapist is a lawyer now. Probably defending rapists. He shamelessly hung out with all her friends, after, safe in the embrace of a culture that would undoubtedly take his side.
ReplyDeleteThat's what's wrong, and that's what people are fighting about. To achieve redress requires men taking an uncompromising stand against rape jokes and rape apologists, because our culture is such that mostly, men don't listen to women on this issue.
They are not asking for a lack of consequence, they are asking for equal consequence. If a guy passes out at a party, he knows he's probably not going to be raped. Dressed in frilly pink underthings and photographed, maybe.
As to the mixed signals type of thing, I think that can be even more damaging to the woman than the other kind. The forces at work there are larger than her agency. You and i have been brought up in cultures that tell us women should keep sweet and not make a fuss. There is supposed to instilled in us a reluctance to oppose the leadership of men. (In my case it never took, though I don't know why. I was even sent to charm school.) Still, the woman has to deal with *why* she didn't say no, and the man should have to deal with his own culpability in accepting anything less than "Yes, let's!" (In my own religious tradition, I was taught that the man, being the natural head of the woman, would be, in fact MORE to blame, but I'm not sure I believe that version of things any more. The fact remains that our culture makes him less than half to blame, because, you know, penis. Whaddayagonnado?)
ReplyDeleteThere is another side to this often gets ignored, and that is the idea that rape is the worst thing that can ever happen to a woman, that it is universally damaging and irreparable. I think this CAN be true, but I have also read blog posts by women who have had unpleasant or exploitative sexual experiences who are not haunted by them on daily basis, or even adversely impacted overmuch. (I would not know, as i have only ever had the one partner and was never abused in any way, much less sexually by anyone. Still, if I'm to be honest, I cannot ignore the stated experiences of women who say it didn't really affect them that much. They get to own their own experiences, you know?)
Either way, our culture is sick in that it presents the sexual act as something both more and less than what it is, and assumes a uniformity of experience. Those who say everyone should be able to have casual, recreational sex and never worry about it are wrong. I know they are, because I know I'm not built that way. I'm not faithful to my husband because I'm afraid of disease, or angering God or what have you. I'm faithful and a lifelong monogamist because that what I want. I would be very unhappy in a poly-amorous relationship, for example, but I can only accept the word of friends who say they are happy with their choices, though they differ from mine.
I do think you're right about the grey areas, though, and about how social pressures to have more sexytimes can be damaging, especially if people don't know what it is they want. However, it is unequivocally sick and wrong to make women somehow responsible for men's actions. It's an unnecessary and unnatural burden to put on them, especially if you believe the religious idea that a man is intended to be the head of the woman. Yet in the same culture where expect women to Keep Sweet and follow a man's lead, we also expect her to manage his bodily reactions as if he were a child who is not yet potty trained. No wonder so many of the younger generation are so confused.
ReplyDeletei agree for the most part. however, i think you failed to address when ppl aren't drunk. what then?
ReplyDeleteI agree; there is a difference between saying "The woman is to blame for the rape that occurred", and saying "Look, Ladies, if you dress like this, or in these situations, you are more likely to get raped." This isn't shaming the victim, or putting the blame on her- it is just being practical. As much as we try to get away from consequences, they still exist, and we need to be aware of the possible consequences of our actions. If I climbed a dangerous cliff, with out a rope, and I fell and died, would I have deserved my fate? No (at least I don't think so). But I wouldn't have fallen if I had taken some precautions, or hadn't done certain things.
ReplyDeleteNot everyone who is raped put themselves into a bad position. But I do know that if you don't put yourself into a bad position, your chances of being raped are much, much lower- and shouldn't that be what the debate is about? Lowering the number of people who are raped?
Rape is always intolerable, but I do think our society has created a great big muck-pit of of a grey area on this one that some people, very unfortunately, fall into head first and become mired.
ReplyDelete"I wouldn't have slept with him if I wasn't drunk," and "I get pushy when I'm wasted," are different than "He made me sleep with him," and "I wanted to hurt her and wouldn't stop when she said no." The latter two definitely fall into the realm of rape, but the former pair aren't exactly standing on the pristine shores of 'consensual sex.'
Agree that signals get crossed and communication is difficult when alcohol is involved and inhibitions are lowered, I honestly can't think of a viable solution to propose.
People will always want to look hot, get drunk, and have sex. There's no way to check this, Prohibition tried and certainly failed spectacularly, and more and more people will find themselves falling in the mud and sliding into this grey area as time goes on.
I meant to comment forever ago but my phone was being lame.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. Now that we have recognized that rape "is a thing" and it's out there and we know it, we need to start teaching women that they can stick up for themselves and that they aren't just helpless. If you don't say no and you didn't like it the next morning- that's on you.
I was talking to someone about sexual harassment in the work place and how they kind of enable women to be cowards. The way that they are now- if someone touches you on the shoulder and you don't like it, you don't have to say anything to them you can just call it in. How about encourage women (or men I guess) to tell them that it makes them uncomfortable and try to deal with it themselves before they call it in rather than just blind siding the "offender?"
As you said, there are obvious situations where this logic might not apply but I've never been to a sexual harassment meeting where they encouraged that.
I thought they were similar points so I just wanted to share.