The Road Untaken and the Talk Not Given - musings on spousal selection

A couple weeks ago I was asked to speak in church.  I went through this process of writing out my whole talk, and then at 9 pm Saturday night I decided I wanted to talk about something else.  I mentioned this whilst I was speaking and a couple of my friends told me they wanted me to post my un-given talk on my blog.  So, here it is, more or less, adapted to secular blog instead of theological oration.

I want to talk to you guys about one of my favorite books.  I've written about it before on this blog, in my list of the five books everyone should read, but specifically every girl should read before she turns 20.  I'm rather proud of the fact that that is in my list of top 10 most popular posts, btw.  Anyway, I'm talking of Little Women.  I would like to assume that, as readers of my blog, you have of course, already read Little Women after I recommended it before, or you have already read it on your own because you have superlative taste.  But if neither of those things are true, I shall give a brief and incredibly inadequate summary for you.  Little Women, published in 1868 by Louisa May Alcott, tells the story of Jo March and her 3 sisters as they transition from young girls to women.  Jo, the penultimate child, is the classic tomboy bucking against the restrictions of gentility and societal expectations.  Early into the story she befriends Teddy Lawrence, the boy next door, and he is quickly adopted into the family as a brother.

Ah, wee baby Christian Bale...you did a pretty good job I guess

At this point I supposed I should warn of upcoming spoilers, but guys....the book has been out for 150+ years, not to mention made into at least one major film.  So I feel like you should probably get over it.

So anyway, Jo and Teddy grow up as best friends, sharing the same sense of humor, the same interests, and enjoying the same activities. And as they get older, Teddy starts trying to lay the ground work to take his relationship with Jo to the next level.

Here's the thing guys.  I just finished this book for the first time in many many years, only this time I listened to it as an audiobook.  I don't know if it was the woman reading the book or just my frame of mind this particular go through but for the first time I found I kind of had a thing for Teddy.  I never appreciated how funny and sassy he is before.  But I realized something else, too.  I've conducted 20-odd years of thorough study on this via film and TV and I can tell you definitively....Jo and Teddy are legit made for each other.  They are the text book definition of chemistry.  At least by modern romantic standards.  Think about it.  Isn't that what ever rom com tells you to look for?

Your perfect match.

I love puns so much

Love, and consequently marriage, is about finding that perfect match.  In practical terms that looks like someone who will validate you.  It's like "You watch the Great British Baking Show? OMG, I, too, watch the Great British Baking Show!!   At last I can stop feeling weird and just watch and love the Great British Baking Show with someone....which is all I really ever wanted."

In contemporary society, where long-term monogamous relationships are approved of at all, they are marketed as the ultimate bff validating relationship.  Your spouse is that person who will always be on your side, who likes what you like, and who reassures you of your place in the world because they occupy it with you......But guys.  Jo doesn't marry Teddy.

Teddy goes off to college and when he comes home he asks Jo to marry him.  He, like me this time through, believes in the idea of a perfect match.  But Jo says no.  She breaks his heart.  She breaks his heart because she understands that there is another way of loving and another way to choose a spouse.

Instead of a perfect match Jo wants a perfect complement.

eheheheheheh

She knows this because it is the marriage she has watched her whole life--that of her parents.  Early on Jo's mother talks to her about her hasty temper, explaining that it will cause her so much grief if she doesn't learn to control it.  Young Jo bemoans how impossible it is to remember and her mother makes a confession.  She, too, struggles to control her temper.  But her greatest strength in her efforts is her husband.  He knows her struggle and when she needs help he gives her a small sign to remind her of what she wants.  .

This was another aspect of the book I'd never really appreciated before.  Essentially it was a portrait of a much less common type of relationship, even back then, but it gave a whole different idea of what a marriage could be.  One person loving the other enough to patiently help them when it was needed, and the other person loving enough to humble themselves and accept that help.  In this sort of marriage the goal is not to comfortably validate you, but gently and lovingly push you towards progression and improvement.  In this marriage two people join together to share the work of becoming the best people they can possibly be.

I don't think it is a coincidence that the modern idea of love is the philosophy of matching and validation.  It is easier.  It asks so much less of us.  A complementary relationship takes work.  It requires humility and love and dedication.  But if you put in that effort you will have a partner who is as invested in helping you attain perfection as they are in achieving it themselves.  Can you imagine any greater or more valuable asset in our progression as individuals?

I do not love these actors as these characters, but what can you do?

Jo does eventually find her compliment in a really lovely gentleman named Professor Baehr.  He possesses the strengths she lacks and she provides for his deficiencies.  They form a partnership that is stronger together than  either of them were on their own.  And almost it is enough to help me overlook the creepiness of a 40+ year old man courting a 22 year old girl.  Almost.

Prompt 3: My Idea of the Perfect First Date...

I suppose I should link to this blog post on my tinder profile...

Let's see...what would be my perfect first date.  Aside from April 25...

Ok, so, to begin with, let's be honest, the perfect date must obviously start with the perfect guy.  A high-seas adventure in piracy can't save a night with a guy you just aren't in to.  Conversely, getting arrested by a Honduran drug cartel could be the best night of your life if you have the right partner in crime in the cell with you.  Strangely, both of those scenarios involve crime...

That being said, this is the best I can do without a specific guy in mind:

First, all major activities of the night would be disclosed in advance.  Surprises are well and good, but elephant rides and swing dances require very different clothing and I am very big on dressing for the occasion.  The only time this rule is negated is if you are Logan Huntzberger and can simply supply ballgowns  etc, in correct sizes, as needed.

Second, and this is especially important since it is the first date, the guy may strive to take me out of my comfort zone if he's big into that, but I have a comfort zone of out of comfort zone and he best not take me out of that.  Which is to say, rollercoasters: ok.  Haunted houses/horror films: not ok.  Awkward and absurd social interactions with strangers: ok.  Sports: not ok.  That last one is entirely to preserve my dignity and nothing he says or does will change my hatred of him if he tries to force me against my will.  He can deal with it.

But enough of what shouldn't be done.

Ok, I'm imagining the best night I can...and I think it begins with him picking me up and taking me over to his place where we would cook dinner together.  As this is a fantasy, we're going to make him a non-college student without roommates and with a decent, taken care of place.  Cooking together (I have no patience for sitting awkwardly whilst he cooks) will give us something to talk about to break the ice and by the time we sit down to eat we are comfortable with each other.  If we're trying something new and exciting I want it to be new and exciting to him to.  I don't want him to be doing that patronizing "let me share my world wisdom with you" thing.  If we both hate it he doesn't get embarrassed, he just laughs with me and we go get fast food or something.

After that we could go see a movie if there is anything good showing.  This is important not for the sake of the movie, but because after the movie we go get ice cream for dessert and talk about it.  And I mean really talk about it.  He never tells me that I'm over thinking things or that it's just a movie and I should just enjoy it.  Nor does he sit there with no opinions of his own, nodding dumbly while I talk.  He listens to me and he also shares his own ideas.  We have an actual conversation.

Now, since this is the perfect date, not just a pretty good date, the evening doesn't end here.  Instead, after our ice cream and conversation, we finally go blues dancing.  This gives us both the opportunity for some physical connection, but also a bit of a respite as we mingle with everyone else at the dance.  Blues is nice because I am more and differently at ease there than anywhere else.  And since I'm fantasizing, the two of us will have a really great dance connection.

After blues dancing we shall excuse ourselves and he shall take me home.  Since this is a first date by no means should he kiss me at the end of it.  But a nice, solid hug would be quite lovely.  Having hugged me, however, he then mustn't linger because I hate when I can't end a social interaction and it gets drawn out into pure awkward.

And that is that.  Somewhat uninspired, I'll admit, but it really does sound nice to me.  Really nice.  I think I nailed this prompt pretty solidly.

Stay tuned tomorrow for Prompt 4: My Favorite Photograph of My Best Friend

Some thoughts on the terrifying world known as dating

So.  Here's what's going on in my "love life" as they call it.  I met a guy.  He's a really nice guy, taller than me, attractive, clever, interesting, and I just like him.  Cool.  But now we enter the strange nether world that is gender dating dynamics (bonus! at BYU!).  See, I like this guy so my thought is "I should ask him out!"  You know, dates? That really awesome way you can spend some prearranged time with someone you think is cool to learn more about them and decide if you want to spend even more time together to the point where it isn't even prearranged anymore.  And they are learning about you and deciding the same things about you too.  Dates are cool!  Smooches might happen!

Pretty much every guy that I've ever discussed the issue with has come out strongly in favor of girls asking guys out.  They complain that girls have it easy, they don't have to deal with all that rejection and stress and pressure.  They just get to sit back and let all the boys come to them.  And then, of course, they hold all the power.  Who isn't familiar with "nice guy" syndrome?  It's become a very popular topic of conversation on the internet lately.  Nice Guys feel that women are just constantly shutting down perfectly decent dudes because they don't think they're attractive enough; they think they're "creepy" (a catchall word women have basically just turned into an excuse not to go out with a guy); they're just too dang picky; or my favorite...they guy is just too nice and secretly all women love douchbags.  In short, maybe if women started shouldering their fair share of the burden of asking out then they'd realize they need to start giving more guys a chance.

All of this adds up to a pretty clear vote in favor of me asking him out, right?  Oh but wait...

See, I've always been in favor of pretty blunt honesty.  The few times in my life that a bloke has really struck my fancy I generally have been pretty up front about it.  I'm not good at subtlety and I don't like when there's something everyone knows but no one is allowed to talk about.  So if I want to spend time with someone I have no problem being the one to do the asking.  I should be every man's dream girl, right?

But do you know what happens?  I invite a guy to watch a movie or grab dinner or whatever and he gets all kinds of awkward.  Suddenly I'm that freaky, over-aggressive girl who is socially awkward and a little stalker-ish.  Everyone knows one of those girls.  It's like Caleb said today when I asked him how he feels about the girl being the one to do the asking.  He said "I'm ok with it...as long as I like the girl."   Cause see, when guys say they want girls to ask them out, what they really mean is that they'd really like the girls they're interested in to ask them out.  When the girls they aren't interested in ask them out then suddenly it's "Whoa!  What is she doing?  Why is she asking me out?  I never gave her any reason to think I was interested in her.  Why is she forcing me choose between being a jerk and being polite?..."

The thing about that reaction...it's exactly the same thing that is going through a girl's mind when a guy she isn't interested in asks her out.  But what's funny is that guys don't have to deal with it nearly as often as women, so they a have a much poorer response.  It doesn't occur to them that it is possible for them decline politely and kindly.  Instead they freak out, get insanely awkward, and make the offending girl feel like a troll.  (Admittedly, some girls do this too...)

There is some merit to the idea that everyone should be willing to give nice people a chance.  You may not be initially attracted to someone, but I can attest to the fact that you can also find someone more attractive the more you get to know them.  But there's also both a book and a movie called "He's just not that into you"   for a reason.  Because the fact is, if you don't fancy someone you don't fancy them.  Don't be a Nice Guy (or a Nice Girl...they exist).  People are allowed to just not be into you and it is ok.

What I'm saying is this.  Guys, if you want girls to take some more initiative then maybe try to let go some of the stigma that get's associated with an assertive girl.  If she asks you out that doesn't mean she's "aggressive" or a stalker.  I mean, she might be, but the fact that she asked you out should not be the only evidence you have.  And this last bit applies to everyone.  Just calm down.  Asking someone on a date does not need to be such a big deal.  It doesn't mean anything at all besides the fact that someone thinks you're kind of cool and would like to get to know you better.  Which shouldn't be a bad thing.  It should be a compliment.