Day 4: Heavy thoughts on the state of the the world

Today's prompt was "What is your favorite fairytale and why" which is something that anyone who knows me knows I should be pumped about. I'll probably do that one later on, because I do love fairytales.

But today I'm not feeling fairytales. Today I am thinking a lot about the world we live in. Last night I decided I want to try to take a break from Facebook for a while. I realized that for the last couple of weeks the time that I have spent scrolling through the feed and interacting with people has left me feeling unhappy. I feel anxious and depressed and hopeless.

This is not news to anyone. If we thought things were contentious before November, it only got worse after. To be fair to everyone, I am pretty sure it would have been that way no matter who won (except maybe Bernie Sanders). I will say that the despair would probably have been less dramatic (if no less impassioned) had Hillary won, if only because not a lot of things would have changed. Many people said that Hillary's presidency would be Obama's third term. I give Hillary a little more credit than that, but I do think that transitioning from one democratic president to the next would entail very little grand change. Conservatives could go on hating the government and all presidential policy, and liberals could continue complaining that things weren't changing fast enough.

Trump's victory, however, and the additional election of a Republican congress is a bit different. I'm not talking about Trump as the antiChrist rebirth of Hitler. I just mean that we are completely changing track, if not turning around and heading back where we came from. Trump campaigned on the promise of change, and that is what we will get. And that kind of huge dramatic change causes ripples. Republicans were looking at essentially a continuation of the status quo if Hillary won. Democrats are looking at not just moving ahead in a new direction, but the destruction of everything that they have fought bitterly for over the last several decades. And while that probably sounds like music to the ears of Republicans, I think that they should not be so surprised and disgusted that people are taking it hard.

But that brings me to the meat of the issue. And that is the bitter hatred each party seems to have for the other. There is no level of understanding. Republicans are in full victory mode. They won, so now they get to do what they want, no matter how petty it might be. And they're going to tear down every single thing that Barack Obama ever so much as looked at and smiled. Regardless whether it actually worked, or helped people, or wasn't overtly "Democratic". And Democrats? They are either despairing that the world is ending and we're all going to die in a nuclear winter, or gearing up for an all out war made of the last 8 years of Republican tactics we all couldn't stand just a few months ago.

Society is divided into an Us and a Them. The lines might vary depending on who you are and what you believe in, but what doesn't change is that there is a winner and more importantly, there is a very clear loser. In fact, for it to really count as a victory, your enemy must lose, and hopefully suffer in their losing. Because the word compromise has become synonymous with failure

I think the most depressing part of this is that it is aggressively encompassing. I grew up Republican, with liberal leanings given me by my mother (who I don't think ever realized how brave she was being a Mormon Democrat before there were facebook groups to support her). I migrated into unaffiliated territory as I grew up. I didn't identify as liberal till the last couple of years. And even then I was a conservative liberal. But all of a sudden I find myself digging in to debates on Planned Parenthood and the ACA. I find myself writing impassioned micro essays in facebook threads. But most of all, I come out of those encounters filled with disgust and anger, and absolutely no more understanding of anyone else's opinions but mine than I started with. I was literally raised in the ideology that I am now arguing against, I still have plenty of friends and family who believe it, and  yet I cannot fathom most of their opinions.

I saw a post yesterday calling out Obama for the hypocrisy of his farewell speech, talking about liberty when he had personally enacted "the biggest threat to freedom this nation has ever seen" (also known as the ACA). I said something about how putting the ACA on par with Japanese internment camps and slavery is a bit melodramatic. In his response he said "why do you like the ACA? You're the first person I've spoken to who has." I'm just stuck on that. The internet brings the world to our fingertips and yet we manage to pare it down and edit it to the point that the only way someone can hear something they disagree with is because you somehow became facebook friends with your wife's one liberal cousin and now it would be awkward to unfriend her because you see each other occasionally at funerals. I don't mean to call out this guy specifically. It is true of everyone, including myself.

But later on, on that same status someone else commented in response to me that the ACA IS slavery. Any time the government forces people to buy something they don't want it is slavery. The level of social insulation required to make that statement nearly made my brain explode. But to that guy, and more significantly, to everyone else on that thread who didn't say "I'm sorry, are you insane?", his statement made sense. It was true. I don't know how you navigate a world with divisions that fundamental.

And that's the problem. I fancy myself an understanding person. I like to think that I can listen to people and understand them. But I feel like I'm losing that. I feel like the world is losing that. I feel like communication is dying, and all that is left is propaganda and the need to be right and prove other people wrong. If I can't stop it happening to myself, what hope is there of stopping it happening to the world?

Achievement Unlocked: Life Orientation Obtained!

So...here's a thing.  I have decided that I want to pursue a career in teaching.

I spent 10 minutes writing a big explanatory preamble to that statement because, it turns out, I find it strangely difficult to announce this decision.  I am embarrassed to admit it.  I am embarrassed because after all my existential whining I have settled on what might arguably be the world's most obvious choice.  I'm embarrassed because I don't know if this is an idea that is going to work out and I don't want to publicly fail.  And also I'm embarrassed because this decision comes kind of suddenly and out of nowhere, but I am really really invested in it.

The reason I'm really invested in this idea is because, for the first time, I feel like I have found the way that I can help to make the world a better place.  Every day I see new ways in which the world is utter shit, and traditionally my strategy is simply not to think about it.  Because if I think about it I get aggressively depressed.  I am depressed about how terrible everything is and I am depressed about how helpless I feel to improve it in any way.  But the other day I was chatting with Callie and she was telling me about how much she has enjoyed her unexpected year teaching high school math.  And for the first time pretty much ever in my life I actually considered teaching as a thing that I might do.  And I just kept thinking about it, all that day and the next.  And then one day I suddenly realized I had made the decision.  I wanted to be a teacher.  I had found my way to make the world better.

My entire adult life, and even a few times in high school, I have been asked if I wanted to be a teacher.  I have always answered decidedly no.  I said I didn't want to deal with apathetic students, crazy over-protective parents, and unsupportive administration.  You might be surprised that a college freshman even considers unsupportive administrations, but remember that I went to high school in Union and I was very good friends with several of my teachers.  I was pretty familiar with the idea before I ever graduated.

This, of course, begs the question: why have I suddenly decided that I DO want to deal with all those things?  And the answer is....I haven't, necessarily.  I'm still quite worried that I ultimately won't be able to deal with these things.  But I am comforted with my years of customer service experience.  Years of unsupportive upper management and aggressive and entitled customers have, I think, given me some slight preparation for a teacher's life.  The biggest struggle remains, as it ever has been, the apathy of students, which I think will be the hardest thing for me to deal with.

But I like the idea of trying.  I like the idea that maybe I'll be able to transform one apathetic kid into a crazy voracious reader.  For years I've dreamed of how great it will be when I can share all my favorite books with my kids.  Unfortunately, my own children remain a thing of the unknown future.  But as a teacher I have the opportunity to share those stories with other people's kids, which is almost as good.

And on top of all that, on a personal level, I like that teaching is a way to spend my time that I can feel good about.  I'm not simply passing the time doing an ultimately meaningless task just to earn some money.  The idea of spending my life like that has always bothered me.  Which is ironic, considering my enjoyment of pointless, repetitive tasks.  The qualification, of course, is that even the most repetitive of tasks eventually comes to an end.  But a lifetime of them is too much even for me.  Ultimately I am an intrinsically motivated person.  And without a spouse or children to invest my emotions in, the only other thing left is my work.  To do that I need a job I can care about.

But let's be honest, the appeal of teaching is not just altruistic.  It also has some very real benefits, such as...actual benefits.  At some point Obama is going to force the issue and make me get health insurance and a job that supplies it for me is looking pretty appealing at this point.  And while teachers are not known for their lucrative earning prospects, they do earn more than I do right now (and a heck of a lot more than I will be earning next week, when I will become officially unemployed).  I've never wanted tons of money; I just want enough, and for where I am in my life right now, a teacher's salary is enough for me.  Double plus good is the fact that if you can survive spending 5 years teaching in officially declared underprivileged schools the fed will forgive quite a lot of your student debt.  And then of course there's the schedule.  I would be lying if I said that summer vacation and Christmas break didn't sound pretty great.

If this post sounds like I'm trying to justify myself and my decision, well...I kind of am.  The day I realized that I'd sort of inadvertently made the decision I felt really great about it, but being an anxious person, I very quickly began to worry that I was actually mad.  Not to mention, the more I think about it the more I think of obstacles and difficulties.  One of the major problems is time.  The country may be suffering a dire shortage of teachers, and there may be a myriad of "alternative" routes to teaching certification, but I suspect that neither of those facts will translate into a great job by February, which is when I will abruptly run out of money.  The unbearable reality is that I will pretty certainly have to move out of my beautiful little apartment and back in to a place with roommates.  I have yet to come to terms with that reality and continue to pretend that I'll find some way around it.  Even if I do, I'm still not sure how exactly I'll make ends meat.  My plan is to sign up as a substitute teacher, but here in Provo they don't make a ton of money.  But these are worries for another post.  This post is all about the excitement of finally having a goal, even if I don't really have any idea how I'm going to achieve it.  Knowing where you're going is the first step to getting a handle on your life and for the first time in several years, I feel like I do.

So wish me luck!

The Benefits of Debate

Guys, today was an exhausting day for me on facebook.

I expressed opinions.

Ironically, what I'm left thinking about is not at all the original opinion, but how I feel about the experience of hosting internet debate on my internet words.

you know what I like to do? Express my opinions on hot button topics, inciting endless debate, and then completely disengage. At least I attempt to moderate and have pretty dependably civil friends....

but very secretly deep down I fantasize about a world where just once I can say "this is what I think" on facebook and have everyone say "huh, that's interesting" and NOTHING else. Just once. 

That's the last thing I posted on facebook, and it is very very true.

But it was also so untrue that here I am writing this blog post at midnight when I really really ought to be going to sleep.

This is how I tried to explain it to Matt a little while ago:

 Matt:  Facebook should make a way for you do disable comments on a status

kind of like how some articles can do that

 me:  I think that very often

but on the other hand

once I think that

I then judge myself viciously for being one of those people who wants to simply exist in a vacuum where the only words you hear are people saying "oh yes!  you're so right!" and no one ever challenges your beliefs on anything

deep-down-core-beliefs-me thinks that it is really superlatively awesome that I have so many people with contrasting opinions in my life because that way I get to hear both sides. but superfluous-lazy-me sits on top of deep-down-core-me and says "but debates are harrrrrrdddddd!"

And really that's it.  I get exhausted by these things.  But then when I complain in my head about all the feedback I'm getting (when all I wanted to do was spit my opinion out into the void with no repercussions) I remember how I need this feedback because I don't want to be one of those dogmatic blindered people who can only hear what they want to hear.

So...thank you all.  Thanks for helping me to be more deep-down-core-beliefs-me instead of superfluous-lazy-me.

Current Events

Guys, I'm legitimately curious about something.  A while back I saw something about OKCupid calling on all of its members to boycott Firefox because of Mozilla's appointment of an "anti-gay" CEO (I have no idea what criteria they used to declare him as "anti-gay").  Today I saw a headline declaring that that same CEO has resigned due to that boycott, employee protests, and upper level management resignations.  This reminds me of the uproar over Orson Scott Card writing for Superman (not to mention the production of Ender's Game) despite his outspoken condemnation of homosexuality.  Again there were resignations and protests and calls for him to lose the job (I don't know if he actually did or not).

While I definitely appreciate that people have the right to withhold their business from those they find offensive, and I also appreciate that companies can hire and fire who they like, and I even agree with many of the underlying beliefs with prompt these people to protest....I can't help but feel uncomfortable with these stories.

Particularly when I see celebratory comments announcing that this is a win in the fight against hate.

Is it?  Because...I'm not exactly feeling a lot of love from the protesters...

This is the OED definition of "coerce"

To constrain or restrain (a voluntary or moral agent) by the application of superior force, or by authority resting on force; to constrain to compliance or obedience by forcible means; 'to keep in order by force'

It concerns me that when you cost someone their job because you disagree with their personal beliefs--beliefs that thusfar have had no demonstrable effect on that job--you are possibly crossing the line from expressing your own opinion to coercing those who disagree with you.  

So my question is, in the quest for equality are some lines being crossed that maybe ought not to be?  Or am I just suffering the pangs that all privileged individuals feel when their privilege begins to be taken away?  Is it coercion to actually stop someone working because you disagree with them?  Does it matter if it is?  I'm not sure...

What do you all think?