Achievement Unlocked: Life Orientation Obtained!

So...here's a thing.  I have decided that I want to pursue a career in teaching.

I spent 10 minutes writing a big explanatory preamble to that statement because, it turns out, I find it strangely difficult to announce this decision.  I am embarrassed to admit it.  I am embarrassed because after all my existential whining I have settled on what might arguably be the world's most obvious choice.  I'm embarrassed because I don't know if this is an idea that is going to work out and I don't want to publicly fail.  And also I'm embarrassed because this decision comes kind of suddenly and out of nowhere, but I am really really invested in it.

The reason I'm really invested in this idea is because, for the first time, I feel like I have found the way that I can help to make the world a better place.  Every day I see new ways in which the world is utter shit, and traditionally my strategy is simply not to think about it.  Because if I think about it I get aggressively depressed.  I am depressed about how terrible everything is and I am depressed about how helpless I feel to improve it in any way.  But the other day I was chatting with Callie and she was telling me about how much she has enjoyed her unexpected year teaching high school math.  And for the first time pretty much ever in my life I actually considered teaching as a thing that I might do.  And I just kept thinking about it, all that day and the next.  And then one day I suddenly realized I had made the decision.  I wanted to be a teacher.  I had found my way to make the world better.

My entire adult life, and even a few times in high school, I have been asked if I wanted to be a teacher.  I have always answered decidedly no.  I said I didn't want to deal with apathetic students, crazy over-protective parents, and unsupportive administration.  You might be surprised that a college freshman even considers unsupportive administrations, but remember that I went to high school in Union and I was very good friends with several of my teachers.  I was pretty familiar with the idea before I ever graduated.

This, of course, begs the question: why have I suddenly decided that I DO want to deal with all those things?  And the answer is....I haven't, necessarily.  I'm still quite worried that I ultimately won't be able to deal with these things.  But I am comforted with my years of customer service experience.  Years of unsupportive upper management and aggressive and entitled customers have, I think, given me some slight preparation for a teacher's life.  The biggest struggle remains, as it ever has been, the apathy of students, which I think will be the hardest thing for me to deal with.

But I like the idea of trying.  I like the idea that maybe I'll be able to transform one apathetic kid into a crazy voracious reader.  For years I've dreamed of how great it will be when I can share all my favorite books with my kids.  Unfortunately, my own children remain a thing of the unknown future.  But as a teacher I have the opportunity to share those stories with other people's kids, which is almost as good.

And on top of all that, on a personal level, I like that teaching is a way to spend my time that I can feel good about.  I'm not simply passing the time doing an ultimately meaningless task just to earn some money.  The idea of spending my life like that has always bothered me.  Which is ironic, considering my enjoyment of pointless, repetitive tasks.  The qualification, of course, is that even the most repetitive of tasks eventually comes to an end.  But a lifetime of them is too much even for me.  Ultimately I am an intrinsically motivated person.  And without a spouse or children to invest my emotions in, the only other thing left is my work.  To do that I need a job I can care about.

But let's be honest, the appeal of teaching is not just altruistic.  It also has some very real benefits, such as...actual benefits.  At some point Obama is going to force the issue and make me get health insurance and a job that supplies it for me is looking pretty appealing at this point.  And while teachers are not known for their lucrative earning prospects, they do earn more than I do right now (and a heck of a lot more than I will be earning next week, when I will become officially unemployed).  I've never wanted tons of money; I just want enough, and for where I am in my life right now, a teacher's salary is enough for me.  Double plus good is the fact that if you can survive spending 5 years teaching in officially declared underprivileged schools the fed will forgive quite a lot of your student debt.  And then of course there's the schedule.  I would be lying if I said that summer vacation and Christmas break didn't sound pretty great.

If this post sounds like I'm trying to justify myself and my decision, well...I kind of am.  The day I realized that I'd sort of inadvertently made the decision I felt really great about it, but being an anxious person, I very quickly began to worry that I was actually mad.  Not to mention, the more I think about it the more I think of obstacles and difficulties.  One of the major problems is time.  The country may be suffering a dire shortage of teachers, and there may be a myriad of "alternative" routes to teaching certification, but I suspect that neither of those facts will translate into a great job by February, which is when I will abruptly run out of money.  The unbearable reality is that I will pretty certainly have to move out of my beautiful little apartment and back in to a place with roommates.  I have yet to come to terms with that reality and continue to pretend that I'll find some way around it.  Even if I do, I'm still not sure how exactly I'll make ends meat.  My plan is to sign up as a substitute teacher, but here in Provo they don't make a ton of money.  But these are worries for another post.  This post is all about the excitement of finally having a goal, even if I don't really have any idea how I'm going to achieve it.  Knowing where you're going is the first step to getting a handle on your life and for the first time in several years, I feel like I do.

So wish me luck!