Hello 2019

You know that one stock photo image of the beautiful, fit, young woman sitting on a couch cradling a steaming mug in her hands as she smiles contentedly into the middle distance? She's wearing impossibly flattering athleisure wear and a chunky sweater, and her hair is in that perfect "I don't care" messy bun that still looks great. The couch is overstuffed, but roomy, and her long legs are folded up under her in a way that looks comfortable, but never actually is when you try it in real life. The lighting is usually warm and soft, and the house is spotlessly neat and decorated with understated sophistication. The whole thing exudes coziness and contentment.

I recently finished listening to Brené Brown's I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) audiobook. At one point she talks about a particular advertising image that she has internalized and set up as a standard for herself and her life which she now struggles to let go of. It doesn't matter what it was exactly; the point is that as she was describing it I thought "that's kind of weird. I've definitely never done that."

Cut to this morning. I was sitting on my couch at 10am, holding my mug of steaming tea, and having a moment of intense gratitude as I luxuriated in the bright morning sunlight filling my living room. And suddenly I had the thought "this is it, Emily. This is that moment that you're always seeing in pictures and wondering why you never experience it in real life. You don't have the perfectly clean and decorated house, you don't look fresh-faced and effortlessly put together, and you don't have that beautiful lithe body, but this is exactly what you're always pining for. Those details don't negate what you're experiencing right now"

But no, Brené. I've definitely never internalized an advertising image and set it up as an unattainable ideal for my life...

I decided I wanted to post a status about what a great moment I was experiencing, but my brother called me and I had to block out the scarf I just knitted, and then my dog reminded me that I promised her we'd go on a walk an hour ago, so I didn't get to the facebook status.

I did, however, take Tess on her walk. We walked down around the cemetery, which is normal, and then crossed 9th and State streets to visit the little park behind the school, which is not. We crossed paths with a few humans and a couple dogs. We spent some time playing on the school's playground equipment (Tess adores playground equipment). We walked past the house I used to live in and looked at the other beautiful old homes on the same street. Crossing back over State street to finish circling the cemetery there was a woman stopped at the light who was watching us cross in front of her and smiling. It was sunny and breezy and there was snow on the lawns, but the sidewalks were almost all dry. It was a perfect walk in every way. When we were nearly home, I suddenly became aware of how much easier a walk like this was compared to when I first got Tess two years ago. I’ve long since given up on the idea that walking Tess was ever going to really improve my fitness, so this was an immensely gratifying realization.

As I walked I thought about my morning, what I really wanted to say about it, and what a beautiful day it was. I didn't even make the Brené Brown connection till I was halfway through. When I finally got home a little while ago and started writing, however, I realized I had more to say than would fit in a facebook update...though as it turns out, a lot of it is just context and narration.

I think that what most caught my attention was realizing that, at least for today, I’m ok with the places where I fell short of the ideal. I love my big, strong, soft body that is stubborn and slow to change, just like me...because it is me. I love my messy, eclectic home with dog hair in the corners. I am satisfied with my priorities, which don’t often include doing my hair and putting on makeup.

I guess what I really wanted to say is that today is a good day, and I am happy.

Day 6: What literary world would you choose to live in?

I'm not going to try to double up on posts today because I missed yesterday. I'll just tack on another day at the end. Because I'm chill like that. Anyway, the day 6 prompt, as you can see, is what literary world would I choose to live in, taking into account the fact all worlds have both good and bad in them, and I cannot forget to consider the bad.

This is kind of a difficult question. I have read many books with many worlds.

The first thing to consider is basic everyday quality of life. I don't want to be transported back to the dark ages because I like baths and toilet paper. I also like electricity and modern medicine. So Middle Earth and Narnia are out, along with Damar, Pern, the Cosmere, the six Duchies, Prydain, Ingary and the Nine Worlds, and The Old Kingdom. I think The House is out as well, as their strike rate on modern conveniences is sporadic at best. Basically 90% of fantasy is now ruled out.

Next let's look at the environmental dangers. I am not interested in a place where I must maintain constant vigilance lest I be eaten by a large savage beastie. This rules out historical fiction. Also most of Neil Gaiman's works if we're being honest. I don't want a place where the government is openly willing to kill me, so no PanEm, no Community, no Big Brother; basically no dystopian fiction of any sort.

Now I've narrowed the field quite a lot, here are my list of top runners, either because they met the conditions above, or I am interested enough in the pros to put up with the cons.
The Discworld
Dictionopolis
Enderverse
Meg Murray O'Keefe's universe
Lyra's Oxford

The Discworld I think would be so much fun to live in, but only if I was a witch or wealthy. I don't think the every day peasantry has a great experience. So while it survived the purge of  medieval worlds, I think it fails on economic disparity and the likelihood I wouldn't be end up one of those peasants.

Dictionopolis and the Kindgom of Words (I would not likely spend much time in the Kingdom of Numbers) frankly sounds delightful. I would enjoy the heck out of that place, and since they battle the Demons at the end and push them back into the Mountains of Ignorance, I think I would be relatively safe.

The Enderverse. Clearly this one wins on technological advancement. Thanks to Peter and the Buggers, it is also offers a unified humanity. AND there are the Buggers and the Piggies, two fascinating, intricate, evolved societies I could learn about. Of course, it's not as unified as one would hope, and humanity is still pretty terrified of things it doesn't understand....but thanks to Jane, instantaneous travel is now possible, which I think will resolve a lot of issues. So...this one is tempting.

as there is no good picture for this one, you get a picture of Phteven instead.

Meg's world is essentially the world we live in today, but with the accepted fact that there are worlds and even dimensions beyond ours, and beings we can't necessarily fathom. But on the other hand, not being Charles Wallace or one of his siblings, I don't think I'd likely get to take part in any of those aspects, so maybe not this one....as beautiful and amazing as it may be.

Lastly, we have Lyra's Oxford (technically the whole world, but that seemed the most succinct name). This world is technologically only a generation or so behind our own. They have cars and plumbing and electricity. There's the Magisterium, but I get the impression that most normal people don't really engage with it much. Plus, by the end of the series, the Magesterium has suffered somewhat of a serious blow. In addition to the technological achievements, they have open and understood magic. They also have witches and the panserbjørn. And most of all, they have daemons. The animal representation of a part of your soul, your lifelong companion and friend. Your daemon which shapeshifts in your youth and then eventually settles on a form which represents some aspect of you. If you read those books and didn't long for your own daemon then you were lying to yourself.

In the end, I think Lyra's Oxford wins. Dictionopolis and the Enderverse are strong runners up, but I want to live in a world with magic and armored bears and witches. I want a world where they have a broader conception of what is and isn't possible. And I definitely want my own daemon.

Day 5: Slightly emo musings on the politics of friendship

Last night I got a bit of insomnia and didn't go to bed till I think just before 5am. I didn't wake up this morning till 1. I did not get my blog post written before I had to get ready for work. So here I am at 1:12 am after work trying to write something. Alas, I am not in a particularly writerly mood. I guess this is a good exercise in writing even when you don't feel like it.

Today's prompt is supposed to be what my favorite of the lesser holidays is. But my problem is that I don't feel like writing silly posts like that. On the other hand, I also don't feel like writing something intense and requiring of much thought. 

I guess I'll just share a quandary with you all that I've been mulling over today.

What do you do in a relationship when you find your trust in the other person is called into question? 

One of the core tenets of my life philosophy is a firm belief that there are some aspects of a person's experience where they must choose their truth. I think that the clearest example of this in my life has been my relationship with the church. I chose to continue believing in it regardless of the fact that I never got that spiritual confirmation most people base their belief on.

But should this philosophy apply to relationships? 

I have been trying to develop a new friendship recently. It's so difficult to make new friends and I am so abysmally awkward at it. But I have been working hard to overcome the awkward and, more significantly, my natural assumption that all people everywhere find me unbearably annoying and I should not force them to interact with me. I think that I've been doing pretty well. This person seems to like me. They talk to me, sometimes even initiating the conversation. They share things with me that they know I'm interested in. They appreciate when I share things with them. They have done nice things for me. These are all signs that I have to remind myself indicate a good chance that the person I am trying to befriend does in fact like me.

But the other day I learned something about my relationship with this potential friend that could be interpreted multiple ways. It could be something completely innocuous and insignificant. Or, it could be something that is quite hurtful. Unfortunately, I do not know the person well enough to safely assume one way or the other. 

I keep asking myself...should I just decide to act as though I know nothing? To believe, whether it is true or not, that there is nothing questionable about what I heard? I would have been so much happier if I had never been told. It's too easy a thing for my insecurity to latch on to as a reason to shut down and close off. And I don't want to wonder if this person who I like very much is not a safe person for me to invest in emotionally. 

I decided to continue believing in the church because I decided that even if it wasn't true, I would be happier believing that it was, and doing so would not hurt me or anyone else. Do I decide to believe in my friendship with this person even if doing so opens up the possibility that one day I might get hurt? If someone is doing something hurtful is it better to know and be hurt, or no know and be happy? Is that answer still true if it is only the possibility that the hurtful thing is occurring? Really, I'm asking if it is better to be cynical or to be idealistic. 

I'm sorry, this post is ridiculous. It is vague and adolescent. But it is the question which has been plaguing me all day and I would appreciate perspectives. 

Day 4: Heavy thoughts on the state of the the world

Today's prompt was "What is your favorite fairytale and why" which is something that anyone who knows me knows I should be pumped about. I'll probably do that one later on, because I do love fairytales.

But today I'm not feeling fairytales. Today I am thinking a lot about the world we live in. Last night I decided I want to try to take a break from Facebook for a while. I realized that for the last couple of weeks the time that I have spent scrolling through the feed and interacting with people has left me feeling unhappy. I feel anxious and depressed and hopeless.

This is not news to anyone. If we thought things were contentious before November, it only got worse after. To be fair to everyone, I am pretty sure it would have been that way no matter who won (except maybe Bernie Sanders). I will say that the despair would probably have been less dramatic (if no less impassioned) had Hillary won, if only because not a lot of things would have changed. Many people said that Hillary's presidency would be Obama's third term. I give Hillary a little more credit than that, but I do think that transitioning from one democratic president to the next would entail very little grand change. Conservatives could go on hating the government and all presidential policy, and liberals could continue complaining that things weren't changing fast enough.

Trump's victory, however, and the additional election of a Republican congress is a bit different. I'm not talking about Trump as the antiChrist rebirth of Hitler. I just mean that we are completely changing track, if not turning around and heading back where we came from. Trump campaigned on the promise of change, and that is what we will get. And that kind of huge dramatic change causes ripples. Republicans were looking at essentially a continuation of the status quo if Hillary won. Democrats are looking at not just moving ahead in a new direction, but the destruction of everything that they have fought bitterly for over the last several decades. And while that probably sounds like music to the ears of Republicans, I think that they should not be so surprised and disgusted that people are taking it hard.

But that brings me to the meat of the issue. And that is the bitter hatred each party seems to have for the other. There is no level of understanding. Republicans are in full victory mode. They won, so now they get to do what they want, no matter how petty it might be. And they're going to tear down every single thing that Barack Obama ever so much as looked at and smiled. Regardless whether it actually worked, or helped people, or wasn't overtly "Democratic". And Democrats? They are either despairing that the world is ending and we're all going to die in a nuclear winter, or gearing up for an all out war made of the last 8 years of Republican tactics we all couldn't stand just a few months ago.

Society is divided into an Us and a Them. The lines might vary depending on who you are and what you believe in, but what doesn't change is that there is a winner and more importantly, there is a very clear loser. In fact, for it to really count as a victory, your enemy must lose, and hopefully suffer in their losing. Because the word compromise has become synonymous with failure

I think the most depressing part of this is that it is aggressively encompassing. I grew up Republican, with liberal leanings given me by my mother (who I don't think ever realized how brave she was being a Mormon Democrat before there were facebook groups to support her). I migrated into unaffiliated territory as I grew up. I didn't identify as liberal till the last couple of years. And even then I was a conservative liberal. But all of a sudden I find myself digging in to debates on Planned Parenthood and the ACA. I find myself writing impassioned micro essays in facebook threads. But most of all, I come out of those encounters filled with disgust and anger, and absolutely no more understanding of anyone else's opinions but mine than I started with. I was literally raised in the ideology that I am now arguing against, I still have plenty of friends and family who believe it, and  yet I cannot fathom most of their opinions.

I saw a post yesterday calling out Obama for the hypocrisy of his farewell speech, talking about liberty when he had personally enacted "the biggest threat to freedom this nation has ever seen" (also known as the ACA). I said something about how putting the ACA on par with Japanese internment camps and slavery is a bit melodramatic. In his response he said "why do you like the ACA? You're the first person I've spoken to who has." I'm just stuck on that. The internet brings the world to our fingertips and yet we manage to pare it down and edit it to the point that the only way someone can hear something they disagree with is because you somehow became facebook friends with your wife's one liberal cousin and now it would be awkward to unfriend her because you see each other occasionally at funerals. I don't mean to call out this guy specifically. It is true of everyone, including myself.

But later on, on that same status someone else commented in response to me that the ACA IS slavery. Any time the government forces people to buy something they don't want it is slavery. The level of social insulation required to make that statement nearly made my brain explode. But to that guy, and more significantly, to everyone else on that thread who didn't say "I'm sorry, are you insane?", his statement made sense. It was true. I don't know how you navigate a world with divisions that fundamental.

And that's the problem. I fancy myself an understanding person. I like to think that I can listen to people and understand them. But I feel like I'm losing that. I feel like the world is losing that. I feel like communication is dying, and all that is left is propaganda and the need to be right and prove other people wrong. If I can't stop it happening to myself, what hope is there of stopping it happening to the world?

Day 3. What were your top 3 favorite movies growing up?

So we didn't really watch TV when I was little, nor a lot of movies. So I guess this post is easier because there aren't a lot of options to choose from.

We'll start with the #3 favorite movie and then work to the top.

3. I think I'd have to put Mulan here. Not necessarily because it was my brother's and my favorite per se. But it was probably the movie we watched the most. See, my dad would buy us whatever kids movie was big at the time, and we'd watch it with him, and then when we went back to our mom's we'd bring it with us. But when Mulan came out, he really loved it. He loved it so much that he wouldn't let us take it back to our mom's with us. So it became the one kids movie that he owned. And since both of us were too young to drive or go out on our own, and we didn't have any games or toys at our dad's house, watching movies was all we had to do all day while dad was at work. Which meant that when we went to visit him, if we didn't make it to the video store early on in the trip, all we had to watch was Mulan. Over and over and over again. Luckily, we both really liked Mulan. To this day I think Dan and I can probably quote 78% of the movie word for word. Below was our absolute favorite part. Start at 2:57.

2. I'm gonna say this one is The Brave Little Toaster. My mom gave me a copy of The Brave Little Toaster a year or two back for Christmas and my brother and I watched it again. We were left with the conviction that Blankie is literally the most annoying character that has ever been, Lamp and Radio are by far the best characters in the movie, and whoever thought of a movie about a little boy's household appliances Incredible Journeying it back to him was definitely high on crack. Also, as with all our movies that weren't bought for us by our father, this one was a recording off TV by someone who was...over-zealous in their determination to skip commercials, and with an incredibly short attention span. So about 20% of the movie was cut out around the commercials, and then they just stopped recording when the appliances hit the city. Or maybe they were just doing some judicious editing, because when my brother and I watched the DVD we were suddenly seeing all these scenes we'd never seen before, including a horrifying dream sequence and a terrible pre-Toy-Story-3 junk yard scene ending that were legit disturbing. Seriously, watch this and tell me this was not made by a bunch of people out of their minds on cocaine

1. The number 1 movie is  by far.....Mickey and the Beanstalk. Also recorded off TV, but with a lot less [accidental] editing, this is hands down both my brother's and my favorite movie of our childhood. We still quote it constantly. And unlike The Brave Little Toaster, this movie holds up into adulthood. I literally just rewatched it a few weeks ago because I still love it. Apparently there were two versions of the movie, with two different framing devices. I never saw it, but I guess there's a version where you have live action people on a picnic or something, telling the story of Mickey rescuing the magic harp through the use of puppets which then turn into the cartoon? It is terrible, or so I've been told. On the other hand, the One True Version, which is the one we grew up watching, is all animation; Ludwig Von Drake (Scrooge McDuck's brother I believe because that's how accents and names work in families) telling the story to his best friend, Herman the Cricket (no relation to Jiminy). Professor Von Drake is explaining to Herman how fairy tales are expressions of the unconscious and attempts to explain unusual phenomena, hence the existence of magic. Herman insists that he believes all the stories actually happened exactly as they are told, including the magic. Herman is, of course, proved right at the end when Willy the Giant himself shows up, lifting the roof off Ludwig's home. Ludwig has a mental breakdown. Seriously, if you've never seen this movie, you should watch it. It is delightful. And the scene of the vine growing up to Willy's castle in the sky while Mickey, Donald, and Goofy sleep, remains one of my favorite animation sequences of all time. But the whole thing is amazing. I offer you this clip:

Seriously. every line is quotable. "If it was one man and three beans...but one bean, AND THREE MEN! Anyway, what a nice thing there are no bones in it!"

Day 2: Where did you grow up? Share some memories...

Well, it's 1:40 and I have to get ready for work in just under an hour, so today's post will be an exercise in speedy writing. I am not good at speedy writing. Here we go.

I grew up in two places, really. I was born in New Mexico and we lived there till just before my 8th birthday.

Several years ago I drove a roommate down to New Mexico for a wedding and on the way back we were able to stop at my old house. The woman who lived there was so kind, she let me wander around the property and even let me come in the house to use the bathroom. I don't know if I've ever had a more surreal experience than that trip. Finding the house (I had to call my grandpa for directions) I kept driving past unexpectedly familiar things that would jump out of the background of an otherwise completely strange place. Things like an old bridge with odd wire shapes on the side, or the street up to the church building. Or the ice cream place my grandma took me that I thought for years after was Orange Julius, but is in fact called the Vanilla Moose (we stopped and got the very same drink and it tasted exactly as delicious as I remembered it, which was freaking magical). Then getting to the actual house where everything was both incredibly familiar and also so different. My grandparents' house had fallen into complete disrepair and was basically a rundown shack. Our old place now with a closed in porch all around.

But what are some specific memories I have of that house? I remember standing on the porch down at the end by the driveway. I think the porch was still level at this time; it hadn't yet been been left all akilter after my uncle had to excavate a skunk out from under it (I remember so many skunks having to be removed out from under our house, which was a single-wide trailer with an addition built on). I'm standing there on the porch and someone....I think maybe one of the Hinke children, which would have made it Heber since he and my uncle Jesse were best friends...has just given me a piece of candy.  I put the candy in my mouth and almost instantly begin to cry. It was a Warhead and it felt like it was burning through my tongue (this was not a lesson I learned as I later on developed a great love of Warheads and did in fact burn a hole in my tongue from eating an entire bag in just a few days). I cried, but I didn't spit it out. I remember getting to that last tiny burst of sour in the center.

I remember my mom making us popcorn in her black and white and orange air popper. We would sit around the stove up in the living room and listen to records. Bible stories that were in black and gold sleeves, or the soundtrack from Popeye (whenever that came out). Mom would scratch our backs and I don't think anything in my life since has ever been that cozy.

I think the top on my mom's was much more yellow. But otherwise it was just like this

oh my gosh. I actually found one. I freaking love the internet.

I think we must have been incredibly frustrating children, my brother and I. We would play these games at night. Mom would tell us we were not to get out of bed, so we would take our blankets and sheets and our silkies (my mom's old nightgowns which we were absolutely obsessed with and each had our own collection of) and we would stretch them out end to end. And at the very end we would be stretched out, literally one toe still touching the chain, laying on the floor declaring that we were still technically in bed. We could make it almost to the kitchen that way. I am not sure how mom didn't strangle us on those nights.

I remember so clearly the day my brother came in after crashing on his bike. His knees were bright red, though thinking back they must have just been thoroughly skinned. There was no blood running down his legs. But that was the moment I became terrible afraid of bikes. Instead of learning to ride my own (I got a beautiful white and pink and purple one for Christmas one year) I would run along pushing it. Or I would just run along with Dan as he rode his. That was back when I liked to run...

I didn't actually learn to ride a bike until we moved up to Oregon. This is where I finished growing up (did you see that segue? maximum smooth!). I eventually forced myself to learn to ride my bike on the dirt road behind the house. I think I must have been 10? I don't know. But I would push myself along and coast as long as I could keep my balance. It took a while before I got up the courage to actually pedal.

In the Union house I got my own bedroom for the first time. Up till then Dan and I had shared a room. In high school I decorated by putting up pictures of wild animals salvaged from calendars. I lined them up in a border around the ceiling. It was very hard for me to throw those away when I moved out for college. I have the heart of a hoarder.

pretty sure I had the 1999 version of this exact calendar

Mom has always loved rearranging the furniture, but when I was 9 or 10 she put together a configuration that left a tiny alcove between the couch and the wall. This became my little hiding place for what felt like quite a long time. I would hide in there and write. I wrote an incredibly stereotypical story about a girl who found a magical horse by a river and tamed it. I don't remember why, but eventually mom banned me from hiding in that little place.

I started public school in Oregon. Up till then I had been home school. There were kids my own age. More than that, there were girls my own age. I experienced my first sleep overs, my first birthday parties, my first experiences with the politics of childhood friendship. I was not good at it. When asked which boy I liked the most I did not know that the correct response was to giggle and drop hints. I just said I liked Remington the most because he was quiet and shy and seemed nice.

It's almost time for me to get ready for work, so I have to wrap this up. Of course there are so many more memories. These just happened to be the first to pop into my head. And very unedited because I didn't have the time. Ah well...

Day 1: Give us a quick snapshot of your life right at this moment

A quick snapshot of my life. Well, above is a picture of my face and shoulders, so this is what the top quarter of me looks like. It includes a new pair of glasses.

Basic facts.
I'm about 5'10". There may be some fractions more or less (I think less?) but 5'10" is close enough. My eyes are blueish, with a tendency toward grey. I have boring light brown hair that recently was a glorious blue (and will be again one day). I weigh....shoot, I have no idea. But it's a lot. Probably over 300? idk. I am built with a tendency toward top-heaviness which I inherited from my father's family.

Job facts.
I work for a company called Boostability. They perform SEO work for small businesses. I did not know what SEO stood for when I applied for this job. I had to google it. It stands for Search Engine Optimization. Then I had to google what that meant. It means doing stuff that encourages Google to rank your website on the first page of search results on particular keyword searches that are relevant to you. For instance, my blog would be relevant to a search for, say, "existential rambling blog". I now know how I could convince Google that I am probably the most relevant blog for that term and show up as the #1 result for that search. Though I don't think I'm going to do that. Anyway, I work for Boostability. Specifically, I am the "Onboarding Specialist" for the Sensis team, which means I set up the new accounts and I work with Australians. I work ridiculous hours, which happen to align with Melbourne business hours (Sun-Thurs 3-12). I get called "sweetheart' a lot by the older men I speak to. I find it charming. I also sometimes get hit on by some of the older men I speak to. I find that hilarious. I have a really great team I get to work with. And I have three awesome bosses. I used to have two awesome bosses and one mediocre boss, but then he got "downsized" and replaced with a fully awesome boss. #lifeisharshinthewild

Religious facts.
Ugh. Let's not and say we did. So much work.

Personal facts.
I turned 30 in September. I struggle with the existential angst of someone who grew up being told she has all the potential and who has ultimately done almost nothing with it. I have a cat name Oliver Tesla Tucci who I named after Oliver Platt, Nicola Tesla, and Stanley Tucci (all men that I feel like are completely underrated in their fields). If you don't follow me on facebook or instagram (and if that is case, how did you even find this blog? did you search "existential rambling blog"?) then you haven't seen a picture of him. LET ME FIX THAT RIGHT NOW! (if you do follow me you had to be expecting this)

this is the picture I just used to make my custom case for my new phone. 

this is the picture I almost used for my new phone case. I only meant to upload this one, but google gave me both. Clearly Google appreciates how adorable my cat is and who am I to say google nay. 

As an almost complete shut-in, Oliver basically constitutes my significant other. Yesterday he rode on my shoulders as I danced to this song

which I am currently obsessed with. He enjoys dancing with me, probably because I don't make him do it too often.

I live in a basement apartment with Oliver, a hedgehog named Phoebe, a hamster name Sophie, and the thudding noises of children upstairs as roommates. Currently, all of my plants are dying from lack of sunlight and it is making me very depressed.

Because I work such ridiculous hours, I do not do much socially. To be fair, I didn't do much socially even when I didn't work ridiculous hours. But it's nice to have something to blame that on now. I went on two dates this year with a man I met on Tinder. I can't actually remember his name now, but he was a very tiny man who was very nice and very interested in hooking up with me. After two dates I asked my coworker to send him an "it's not gonna work out text". He handled it very gracefully. I haven't really used Tinder since. I am superlatively bad at dating.

Other things.

Mostly just because I want to write them down and I'm writing right now, here are some of my goals for the coming year.

• I want to be more productive. I don't want to just sit and browse facebook all day every day. I want to create things. Even if they're things that other people could have created better (historically one of my big blocks when trying to create). Some of the projects I would like to complete this year are
• build another book shelf to replace the ugly plastic shelves I'm currently using
• figure out some way to store and display all my beautiful scarves
• take up painting again
• make something to hang over my couch to hide the weird painted shut panel in the wall
• read at least 3 new books I've never read before (not just reread my favorites over again)
• write another story, even if it sucks
• make my bed every morning
• clean the house every Saturday
• Take charge of my life more. I want to actually plan out my days so I don't get to the end of them and realize that I basically didn't do anything at all. Toward this goal I would like to
• every Sunday sit down and write out everything I'd like to accomplish that week and then break that up into realistic daily to-do lists
• use the gym membership that Boostability subsidizes for me (eurgh)
• by the end of the year I would like to not be eating fast food save as a very rare treat. 
• as a first step to this, and part of my previous goal about consciously taking charge of my life, in February I'm going to try creating weekly menu plans.
• write to Danielle at least every other month. Also write to Tori (but first get her address because I lost it)

So there you have it. A basic overview of my life...ish...with an outline of how I'd like my year to progress. If you have a deep burning question about something I did not mention, feel free to comment and ask. The comment section is readable now, with this new blog theme. So that's nice. 

A New 30 In 30 Challenge!

Oh hey there friends. It appears that I have not posted on my blog since July of last year. That is kind of terrible. On the other hand, I moved into a new apartment in August of last year, and that apartment didn't really get internet until a week or two ago. So there are reasons. I guess. (We're not going to talk about the fact that I wrote a grand total of 3 posts in 2016)

Anyway, here I am again. With a new blog template! Literally the first time I've updated the template since I created this blog in 2010 (7 YEARS AGO??!!).

*ahem*

Two of my work friends invited me to join them in a 30 day challenge in January. One is going to try to paint every day for 30 days. The other is going to bake every day. My goal was to write/post on my blog every day. As it is January 7th, you may safely assume that I got off to a very good start on this. But whatever, I'll just start now. No point fussing.

I did a 30 day blog posting challenge a couple of years ago, as some people might remember. I used a prompt list and by the end I had learned one thing: that prompt list was incredibly stupid. On day 10, in fact, the prompt was so stupid that instead I decided to write my own list. And I'm going to be honest, my beans should be about done cooking by now and I'm really hungry. I don't really want to sit here and try to think of a new list of 30 prompts when I have one ready made. Plus I went back and re-read it and I still like most of the prompts. So....yeah. Gonna just use the old one.

But I'm gonna add a twist. If anyone has anything they really want me to write about (real things, imaginary things, whatever...you know I am good at having opinions about things) they should comment somewhere I'll see it (here, fbook, g+) and I'll add it in to the mix. Maybe I'll replace a post I'm not feeling one day, or maybe I'll just keep on going. And if I myself think of something I'd rather write about, well then I'll write about it. Because I'm the boss of me.

Also, if anyone has any interest in knowing what is coming up, or if maybe you want to take part in my list of blogging prompts yourself and are too lazy to go find it (no judgement, plus I touched this one up) I am posting it below. It was in response to a list of "getting to know you" prompts, so it tends in that direction.

1. Give us a quick snapshot of your life right at this moment
2. Where did you grow up?  Share some memories...
3. What were your top 3 favorite movies growing up?
4. What is your favorite fairy tale and why?
5. What is your favorite non-big-5 holiday (not Christmas, Thanksgiving, Halloween, New Year, or Easter) and why?
6. Which literary world would you pick to live in instead of reality, and why?  Remember, you get alllll the parts of your chosen world, bad as well as good.
7. What books are you most looking forward to sharing with your children and why?
8. What superhero do you wish was your best friend and why?  Are there different versions of this hero? If so, which version of him or her are you choosing?
9. What are the top five most shameful songs in your collection?
10. What always makes you cry? Song/movie/story/commercial/etc
11. If you were to suddenly develop a mental illness, which is most likely for your personality?
12. If you had to have a mental illness, but you got to pick, which would you pick?
13. What are your top 3-5 favorite jokes?
14. What is your dream career (regardless of its actual existence)?
15. What is one random, non-touristy place you want to visit? Why?
16. What are your top 5 secretly favorite features/abilities/attributes about yourself?
17. Is there anything you wish people knew about you?
18. What is your weirdest food eccentricity?
19. What are five fantasy items you'd love to have in your wardrobe if you had the money?
20. What is your best story?
21. Which Disney film is your favorite and why?
22. What's the best meal you've ever eaten and why?
23. What is one skill you wish you had the time/money/resources to learn?
24. If you could instantly change one single thing about yourself what would it be? How do you feel about that?
25. What are your top 5 biggest pet peeves?
26. Is there anything you secretly love/want that you're afraid to admit because you don't think people will think it is "you"?  (does this even make sense?)
27. Where are your top 3 dream cities to live in and why?
28. You showed up to work with a black eye...how did you get it?  
29. You have a time machine. Where is the first place you go?
30. What are 5 songs you love to belt out in the car?

Funeral

(This post is my answer to a challenge to write a story in 250 words. Tell me what you think, unless what you think is that you hate it, in which case, keep your opinion to yourself.)

He stared at the dead animal. This was just too perfect. He smiled grimly, envisioning himself scooping up the broken, bloody bundle of fur, and taking it with him to the funeral. Perhaps even laying it in the coffin, beside his great aunt’s body, to enjoy the same pompous last rites. She would have laughed. She always laughed when he was funny.

The rest of the family, of course, would stare in open-mouthed horror, whispering their outrage.

“What’s wrong with him?!”

“Surely even he can respect a funeral!”

His mother would be silent, of course. Humiliated once again by her strange son. She probably should have put him into an institution years ago, but now he was too old…

He shook his head, dismissing the daydream.

He picked up the small body and gently carried it across the road into the field. He laid it down in a hollow and slowly ripped up handful after handful of grass to cover it. It would make a welcome meal for some fox tonight, but for now he could honor the life he had taken.

“It ran under your wheels,” he heard his aunt say, “it wasn’t your fault.”

He did not feel better.

“You cannot control these things,” she’d said, “Animals know when their time is up. But sometimes we need help to let go.”

She had always called him her little helper.

This small funeral completed at last, he got back in his car and continued driving to the next.

The Road Untaken and the Talk Not Given - musings on spousal selection

A couple weeks ago I was asked to speak in church.  I went through this process of writing out my whole talk, and then at 9 pm Saturday night I decided I wanted to talk about something else.  I mentioned this whilst I was speaking and a couple of my friends told me they wanted me to post my un-given talk on my blog.  So, here it is, more or less, adapted to secular blog instead of theological oration.

I want to talk to you guys about one of my favorite books.  I've written about it before on this blog, in my list of the five books everyone should read, but specifically every girl should read before she turns 20.  I'm rather proud of the fact that that is in my list of top 10 most popular posts, btw.  Anyway, I'm talking of Little Women.  I would like to assume that, as readers of my blog, you have of course, already read Little Women after I recommended it before, or you have already read it on your own because you have superlative taste.  But if neither of those things are true, I shall give a brief and incredibly inadequate summary for you.  Little Women, published in 1868 by Louisa May Alcott, tells the story of Jo March and her 3 sisters as they transition from young girls to women.  Jo, the penultimate child, is the classic tomboy bucking against the restrictions of gentility and societal expectations.  Early into the story she befriends Teddy Lawrence, the boy next door, and he is quickly adopted into the family as a brother.

Ah, wee baby Christian Bale...you did a pretty good job I guess

At this point I supposed I should warn of upcoming spoilers, but guys....the book has been out for 150+ years, not to mention made into at least one major film.  So I feel like you should probably get over it.

So anyway, Jo and Teddy grow up as best friends, sharing the same sense of humor, the same interests, and enjoying the same activities. And as they get older, Teddy starts trying to lay the ground work to take his relationship with Jo to the next level.

Here's the thing guys.  I just finished this book for the first time in many many years, only this time I listened to it as an audiobook.  I don't know if it was the woman reading the book or just my frame of mind this particular go through but for the first time I found I kind of had a thing for Teddy.  I never appreciated how funny and sassy he is before.  But I realized something else, too.  I've conducted 20-odd years of thorough study on this via film and TV and I can tell you definitively....Jo and Teddy are legit made for each other.  They are the text book definition of chemistry.  At least by modern romantic standards.  Think about it.  Isn't that what ever rom com tells you to look for?

Your perfect match.

I love puns so much

Love, and consequently marriage, is about finding that perfect match.  In practical terms that looks like someone who will validate you.  It's like "You watch the Great British Baking Show? OMG, I, too, watch the Great British Baking Show!!   At last I can stop feeling weird and just watch and love the Great British Baking Show with someone....which is all I really ever wanted."

In contemporary society, where long-term monogamous relationships are approved of at all, they are marketed as the ultimate bff validating relationship.  Your spouse is that person who will always be on your side, who likes what you like, and who reassures you of your place in the world because they occupy it with you......But guys.  Jo doesn't marry Teddy.

Teddy goes off to college and when he comes home he asks Jo to marry him.  He, like me this time through, believes in the idea of a perfect match.  But Jo says no.  She breaks his heart.  She breaks his heart because she understands that there is another way of loving and another way to choose a spouse.

Instead of a perfect match Jo wants a perfect complement.

eheheheheheh

She knows this because it is the marriage she has watched her whole life--that of her parents.  Early on Jo's mother talks to her about her hasty temper, explaining that it will cause her so much grief if she doesn't learn to control it.  Young Jo bemoans how impossible it is to remember and her mother makes a confession.  She, too, struggles to control her temper.  But her greatest strength in her efforts is her husband.  He knows her struggle and when she needs help he gives her a small sign to remind her of what she wants.  .

This was another aspect of the book I'd never really appreciated before.  Essentially it was a portrait of a much less common type of relationship, even back then, but it gave a whole different idea of what a marriage could be.  One person loving the other enough to patiently help them when it was needed, and the other person loving enough to humble themselves and accept that help.  In this sort of marriage the goal is not to comfortably validate you, but gently and lovingly push you towards progression and improvement.  In this marriage two people join together to share the work of becoming the best people they can possibly be.

I don't think it is a coincidence that the modern idea of love is the philosophy of matching and validation.  It is easier.  It asks so much less of us.  A complementary relationship takes work.  It requires humility and love and dedication.  But if you put in that effort you will have a partner who is as invested in helping you attain perfection as they are in achieving it themselves.  Can you imagine any greater or more valuable asset in our progression as individuals?

I do not love these actors as these characters, but what can you do?

Jo does eventually find her compliment in a really lovely gentleman named Professor Baehr.  He possesses the strengths she lacks and she provides for his deficiencies.  They form a partnership that is stronger together than  either of them were on their own.  And almost it is enough to help me overlook the creepiness of a 40+ year old man courting a 22 year old girl.  Almost.

Achievement Unlocked: Life Orientation Obtained!

So...here's a thing.  I have decided that I want to pursue a career in teaching.

I spent 10 minutes writing a big explanatory preamble to that statement because, it turns out, I find it strangely difficult to announce this decision.  I am embarrassed to admit it.  I am embarrassed because after all my existential whining I have settled on what might arguably be the world's most obvious choice.  I'm embarrassed because I don't know if this is an idea that is going to work out and I don't want to publicly fail.  And also I'm embarrassed because this decision comes kind of suddenly and out of nowhere, but I am really really invested in it.

The reason I'm really invested in this idea is because, for the first time, I feel like I have found the way that I can help to make the world a better place.  Every day I see new ways in which the world is utter shit, and traditionally my strategy is simply not to think about it.  Because if I think about it I get aggressively depressed.  I am depressed about how terrible everything is and I am depressed about how helpless I feel to improve it in any way.  But the other day I was chatting with Callie and she was telling me about how much she has enjoyed her unexpected year teaching high school math.  And for the first time pretty much ever in my life I actually considered teaching as a thing that I might do.  And I just kept thinking about it, all that day and the next.  And then one day I suddenly realized I had made the decision.  I wanted to be a teacher.  I had found my way to make the world better.

My entire adult life, and even a few times in high school, I have been asked if I wanted to be a teacher.  I have always answered decidedly no.  I said I didn't want to deal with apathetic students, crazy over-protective parents, and unsupportive administration.  You might be surprised that a college freshman even considers unsupportive administrations, but remember that I went to high school in Union and I was very good friends with several of my teachers.  I was pretty familiar with the idea before I ever graduated.

This, of course, begs the question: why have I suddenly decided that I DO want to deal with all those things?  And the answer is....I haven't, necessarily.  I'm still quite worried that I ultimately won't be able to deal with these things.  But I am comforted with my years of customer service experience.  Years of unsupportive upper management and aggressive and entitled customers have, I think, given me some slight preparation for a teacher's life.  The biggest struggle remains, as it ever has been, the apathy of students, which I think will be the hardest thing for me to deal with.

But I like the idea of trying.  I like the idea that maybe I'll be able to transform one apathetic kid into a crazy voracious reader.  For years I've dreamed of how great it will be when I can share all my favorite books with my kids.  Unfortunately, my own children remain a thing of the unknown future.  But as a teacher I have the opportunity to share those stories with other people's kids, which is almost as good.

And on top of all that, on a personal level, I like that teaching is a way to spend my time that I can feel good about.  I'm not simply passing the time doing an ultimately meaningless task just to earn some money.  The idea of spending my life like that has always bothered me.  Which is ironic, considering my enjoyment of pointless, repetitive tasks.  The qualification, of course, is that even the most repetitive of tasks eventually comes to an end.  But a lifetime of them is too much even for me.  Ultimately I am an intrinsically motivated person.  And without a spouse or children to invest my emotions in, the only other thing left is my work.  To do that I need a job I can care about.

But let's be honest, the appeal of teaching is not just altruistic.  It also has some very real benefits, such as...actual benefits.  At some point Obama is going to force the issue and make me get health insurance and a job that supplies it for me is looking pretty appealing at this point.  And while teachers are not known for their lucrative earning prospects, they do earn more than I do right now (and a heck of a lot more than I will be earning next week, when I will become officially unemployed).  I've never wanted tons of money; I just want enough, and for where I am in my life right now, a teacher's salary is enough for me.  Double plus good is the fact that if you can survive spending 5 years teaching in officially declared underprivileged schools the fed will forgive quite a lot of your student debt.  And then of course there's the schedule.  I would be lying if I said that summer vacation and Christmas break didn't sound pretty great.

If this post sounds like I'm trying to justify myself and my decision, well...I kind of am.  The day I realized that I'd sort of inadvertently made the decision I felt really great about it, but being an anxious person, I very quickly began to worry that I was actually mad.  Not to mention, the more I think about it the more I think of obstacles and difficulties.  One of the major problems is time.  The country may be suffering a dire shortage of teachers, and there may be a myriad of "alternative" routes to teaching certification, but I suspect that neither of those facts will translate into a great job by February, which is when I will abruptly run out of money.  The unbearable reality is that I will pretty certainly have to move out of my beautiful little apartment and back in to a place with roommates.  I have yet to come to terms with that reality and continue to pretend that I'll find some way around it.  Even if I do, I'm still not sure how exactly I'll make ends meat.  My plan is to sign up as a substitute teacher, but here in Provo they don't make a ton of money.  But these are worries for another post.  This post is all about the excitement of finally having a goal, even if I don't really have any idea how I'm going to achieve it.  Knowing where you're going is the first step to getting a handle on your life and for the first time in several years, I feel like I do.

So wish me luck!

1/3 Life Crises

This post is none of the nerdy and analytical posts I've been mulling over lately.  This one is a spur of the moment musing mainly to (as usual anymore) give vent to some of my life angstiety (do you see what I did there?).  Because tonight I finally forced myself to get back to that loathsome task of looking for a new job.  I got that interview last week and I sort of just stopped thinking about the job hunt.  But I was supposed to hear back from them on Friday and I still haven't, and even if I do and they decide to offer me the job I am deeply divided about taking it.  Which is all to say that I need to find some other options.

So tonight I decided to look for some other jobs to apply for.  Interestingly, I'm realizing I don't really want to continue in my current field.  To be sure, in the end I might not have any choice.  But I still have a little bit of time to look around, and so I found myself trying to find alternative employment to PCB Assembly (what you google if you want to find jobs like the one I currently have).

Of course, my immediate thought was "Ok!  Let's see what kind of jobs are available in the world of publishing!" because I have no grasp of reality.  After too much time wasted wandering around the internet, conducting penetrating searches like "publishing jobs" I had the brilliant idea to google instead "how do you get an entry level job in publishing?"  I came across this very interesting and useful article which, unfortunately, convinced me merely that if I wanted to get a job in the publishing industry I should have started the process in January.

Mulling over this failure of time management of course led me to consider my other planning-related failings, specifically, my absolute lack of life-planning.  Once again I looked at my trajectory in life thus-far and marvelled at the absolute lack of navigation.  It is astonishing that such a haphazard existence has not yet crashed into a metaphorical telephone pole and combusted vigorously.  It began as soon as I graduated high school with the selection of which college to attend.  And by "selection of college" I mean that I simply neglected to reply to any other schools which admitted me, and thus ended up at BYU without putting any real thought into it at all.  Once in my carefully selected school I proceeded to spend a very long time getting a very little education.  I did manage to score a degree...in a superlatively generic field of study.  And I did nothing else in my decade-long tenure as a student that might be useful to me now, like an internship or involvement in any campus programs. Despite my father periodically asking me about such things, somehow they still never registered on my radar of activities I should (or indeed could) actually do.

The thing is, even if it had ever crossed my mind to look for an internship or to get involved in some campus program, I wouldn't have had much idea which ones to pursue.  Because my ultimate problem is a lack of real ambition.  This is no new revelation.  I have known for some years now that I have no idea where I'm going in life because I have no idea what I want.  Or, those things that I do aspire to I immediately write off as unrealistic fantasies, and thereby avert the anxiety and hard work of actually pursuing them.

But tonight, reading about the process of wedging a toe into the publishing industry, I found myself experiencing a magical fusion of two previously entirely separate branches of my anxiety.  As I sat here thinking about my life and where I want it to go and how I need to find a goal...suddenly I had the mental equivalent of one of those creepy Vertigo zooms.  I leap-frogged right over picking a goal and started looking at the process of achieving that goal.  Specifically how long it will take.  And suddenly my 10 years of college became so much more of a waste than they've ever seemed before.  Most people my age have spent the last 5-7 years slogging through the initial stages of that process, but here I am literally starting from scratch and on the eve of my third decade.  Even if I start right now, by the time I get through the same things I could be nearly 40.

You could say that this job hunt, delayed and ignored and put off, is a microcosm of my life--when I finally decide to take it seriously I am on the verge of too late to find the right thing and may simply have to settle for the most expedient.  And I don't know which is worse: to continue drifting haphazardly through life or finally deciding on a direction only to realize that my chance to pursue it has come and gone.

TL;DR job-hunting and life-upheaval is stressful

I have been thinking with some guilt on my complete failure at blogging this year.  My general goal is to post at least once a month; this year I have fallen far short of that goal.  Partly I haven't had anything I want badly enough to write about and partly I just spend very little time on my computer anymore (phone and tablet have essentially taken over my internet needs).  But the urge to blog has at last returned to me, as it so often does, because I am having a lot of emotions and I need to vent them.  This is why my blog is so entertaining...

So what is going on?

What is going on is that it turns out I am kind of a major coward.  I do not like change, even when it is a change I have wanted for a very long time.  But, in the words of the immortal Lewis Carol, I shall endeavor to begin and the beginning and when I get to the end, stop.

The first issue that must needs be addressed is money, though I'll try to be quick.  Suffice it to say, I have none.  My finances have been dwindling since the beginning of this year.  I did that thing where I pretended like I was rich and carefree because I started the year not entirely broke.  It didn't take long for me to realize that was a horrible plan, and months later I'm still mentally slapping myself for it, but sadly the damage is done.  Things have been grim ever since, more or less.  My life now is a state of constant white knuckling from one paycheck to the next.

To be sure, I am aware of my good fortune.  I may not have any extra, but I have not yet come up short and I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for that fact.  But knowing that your life is the financial equivalent of that fork and toothpick trick and that the slightest bump will bring everything down around your ears is....wearing.

Perhaps this preceding stress will give me some excuse for my reaction, then, to the news Caleb gave me a few weeks back.

For over a year now Caleb has periodically come down to the basement to have a little chat with me about "the future of the company."  Every time he likes a different plan--release lots of new products one conversation, shift into high-end markets the next.  Then, about five weeks ago he comes to me again.  But this time his plan is to close CH Robotics down entirely.  This has always been listed in the possible options, but never seriously considered till now.  But it is all very vague.  He's going to look into selling, but maybe he'll just sort of go dormant, or maybe he'll officially close up shop.  He isn't sure.

Even though this sounded like another one of Caleb's ephemeral ideas--typically forgotten in a few days--it nonetheless sparked a pretty nasty anxiety attack.  That whole gratitude thing about always coming up flush no matter how close, it only works because I have this magical job that pays me really well.  Suddenly my rainbows and unicorns job has gone from anchor to...what is the opposite of an anchor?  The wind?  Sure, let's go with the wind.  Whimsical and dangerous to rely upon.

I prefer this sort of whimsy.  If you do as well, then might I suggest my whimsical pinterest board
where you shall find many more such whimsical images to make you feel happy

Things have remained in flux since then.  But slowly a picture has pulled together of what is probably going to happen.  Some time ago one of the components on our primary product was going out of stock with our supplier so Caleb bought out their entire stock.  The gyro/accelerometer IC.  This has become Caleb's countdown; as soon as I've used them all up he plans to shut down manufacturing.  At first he projected next spring, then February, and then this week he asked me if I could get them all built by the middle of November.  For those keeping track that means that the deadline of my own joblessness went from March to February to two weeks from now.  Though, I hasten to add that Caleb assured me that he will find things for me to do long enough for me to find a new job.  Bless his heart, he is doing his best to help me as best he can.  His deadline for closing the company entirely after we sell out our inventory is still the end of the year and from what he said I got the feeling he was assuming I'd stay till then as well.  Though I suspect he'll run out of things to keep me busy before then.

The thing is, objectively this really is not a bad situation.  I have been given plenty of warning of what is happening, and my boss is working really hard to help me out in every way he can.  It is a pretty decent bet that I could get another job doing what I've been doing at CH.  And then there's the fact that this is actually a great opportunity.  I have been dying to get out of Utah for years now and, since I finally graduated, the only thing holding me here theoretically has been this job.  Indeed, one could interpret the whole situation as a cosmic kick in the pants to get on with my life.

this is what came up when I googled "cosmic kick in the pants"
and I regret nothing

And yet...

Even though I know all of these things, the fact remains that I am, to use the vulgar expression, scared absolutely shitless about the whole thing.  I am terrified and anxious and perpetually on the verge of freaking out.  Like I said at the beginning, it turns out I'm a massive coward. But I feel like I need to explain why.  Like I need to justify my emotional response even to myself to prove that I'm not just a...a....a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.

First, know that above almost anything else I hate unsureness.  Which isn't a word, but you get the point.  To illustrate just how much I hate it, let me remind you all of the time I withdrew from BYU.  It was 2007 after my study abroad and I was broke.  I spent the summer trying to figure out how I was going to pay for school and taking my first steps down the road of churning anxiety with no outlet.  Ultimately I decided I was going to withdraw for a year and try to earn money.  At the time, if you didn't formally defer by a specific deadline then you were considered withdrawn and would have to reapply to come back.  I made this decision and I immediately felt better--I now had a solid point from which I could navigate further.  I then spent fall semester working, saving no money, and coming to the realization that I had made the wrong decision.  I should have gone back to school.  Nothing made this more clear than the moment BYU called me, a few weeks before winter semester was to begin, to tell me that their enrollment numbers were unexpectedly low so they were opening enrollment to students who had missed the deferral deadline instead of making them re-apply.  Now, I don't know the official numbers, but at the time that felt pretty dang specific to my situation.  Not quite a kick, but certainly a cosmic nudge in the ribs.  But I turned them down.  Because I had already made the decision. I so badly didn't want to have to revisit it, and consequently throw myself back into the marshlands of unsureness, that I consciously chose to continue making the decision that I very definitely knew was the wrong one (which, now I think about it, is possibly why the cosmos have upped their game to pants kicking).  So now apply that to my current situation and maybe you can catch a glimpse of my current unhappiness.  I don't know what is happening with the company and I don't know what is happening with my job and I don't know what is happening with my life and hate all of those thing.  So much.

I give up finding relevant pictures. I'll
 just give you more from my whimsy board

Second.  This one is kind of embarrassing.  As it turns out, I haven't actually had to search for a job in nearly a decade.  And before that I only ever really went through the process twice....eh....once and a half.  My last couple years of high school I worked but whatever...high school jobs aren't exactly critical.  After I graduated I moved to Portland to live with my dad for the summer before college with the vague idea that jobs would be more plentiful in the big city.  I proceeded to spend the entire summer searching fruitlessly until August when I was hired as the BB gun range instructor at a scout camp working 12 hour days for the astounding salary of $75/week.  That is the half.  The once was that same summer after my study abroad.  I was again living in Portland with my dad and I spent a month or two traipsing around Hillsboro handing out resumes (what was even on them??), falling down hills, and eventually getting a job at Target which I would hold for the next four years.  I spent a year in Hillsboro and then transferred down to Orem.  I cannot tell you how much easier it was to move back to Utah knowing that I had a job waiting for me there.  When I eventually left Target it was completely unplanned.  My brother had gotten a job at Vivint recently enough to suggest, in the glow of his employment honeymoon, that I too apply cause then we could work together and how great would that be?!  So I applied on a whim, was called in for a interview a couple days later, and walked out of that interview with a job offer.  Certainly not a change of necessity.  Then, three months later after I realized that the only thing worse than customer support in person is customer support over the phone, I was chatting with Caleb whilst he complained about putting many stickers on many sensors and I joked that he should hire me because putting stickers on things sounded like exactly my kind of work.  And a few weeks later he did just that.  In both cases jobs were basically handed to me.  I feel like I've forgotten how to find jobs, not that I was ever very good at it (BB gun range instructor for $75/week).  All I remember about the process is how ungodly awful it is.  And the couple of hours I spent peeking into the classified corners of the internet today only confirmed that impression.  How do you find jobs to apply for them???

actually...this is totes relevant

Third, and last...moving.  As I said, I've been dreaming of getting out of Utah for years now.  But dreaming of something is a lot different than being faced with the actual reality of it.  I've started thinking of exactly what a move would mean.  I complain about how few friends I have these days, but a few is definitely more than literally zero.  I learned this when I moved into my own apartment.  I told myself before I moved that my roommates were hardly ever home so it probably wouldn't be much different.  Once again, not many is distinctly more than none; rarely home is still more than never home because they don't exist.  If I moved to let's say Pittsburgh or somewhere in Michigan I would truly be alone.  I wouldn't even have acquaintances.  And the friends that I do have hear are dear ones.  I'd be leaving behind Caleb and Kara and Michelle and Taka.  And my brother.  There are all kinds of layers to my feelings about moving away from my brother and only some of them are social.  And as for the rest of my family, no longer would I be a comfortable day's drive away if I wanted to visit.  Add in the hassel of the actual process of moving, something I just went through a few months ago, and would have to translate into the greater trial of moving long distance... Suffice it to say, while I know that I don't want to live in Utah, I am becoming aware that leaving will not be an unequivocally happy decision.

this feels accurate....

So does that explain it?  Do I have a right to my perpetual anxiety and stress?  Do all these reasons add up to legitimacy?  I don't know.  Sometimes I think yes, other times I think I need to get over myself and realize that everything is fine and it will all work out.  Most of the time I am thinking both of those things at once.  But I do feel a little better having written it all out, which is usually the case.  I guess that's a point for Allen, my long lost therapist.  He'd be so proud to hear me say that sharing my stress, even with the vagueness of the internet, makes me feel better.  I do often think of him and wonder if this would all be easier if I could go and tell him all about it.  Who is to say.

But if anyone else has persevered and read through this whole thing, well, I thank you.

Several Peas in my Podcast

This week has been a headlong dive into the world of NPR podcasts.  Previously my engagement with the medium was limited to the occasional Wait Wait Don't Tell Me episode and Serial.  But since Monday they're almost all I have listened to all day at work.  I've listened to all of Invisibilia, and many hours of Radiolab, This American Life, 99% Invisible, and Theoretically Speaking (these last two are technically not NPR podcasts but definitely of the same genus).  I learned about the decline of the American automobile industry, filming on location in LA, infant organ donation (eyes in particular), the international American Visa lottery and consequent process of emigration from Kenya to the US, echolocation and the way it gives literal sight to the blind, the largest animals ever to walk, fly, and swim on earth (the blue whale, btw, is the overall winner of that game and amazingly still exists today), the Mau Mau uprising against British Empire, and the history and importance of the "Freudian couch" to the world of psychology.  These are a few of the things I have learned.  

this, by the way, is the answer to "what is the largest animal to ever fly?"
it is an azhdarchid pterosaur and they were comparable in size to giraffes
and I'm sorry that you won't be able to sleep tonight.

Traditionally I have helped myself pass the time at work with TV shows and movies.  I have been known to blast through entire seasons in one day if circumstances line up right, and I'm ok with this.  Y'all know I love stories.  And I'm sure I'll go back to watching all the different shows I'm working on (Buffy, Blue Bloods, ST:TNG, The Office, Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, Once Upon A Time, Bones, Supernatural, and Criminal Minds, among others) eventually.   

In my initial enthusiasm I tried out several additional programs that I quickly discarded.  I find that what I really enjoy are the shows that pick a specific idea, theme, or item and dig into it.  Though there are only 6 episodes thusfar, Invisibilia has become my favorite.  It focuses on "the invisible forces which influence human behavior".  Every episode was engrossing!

As I've steeped myself in them for the last couple of days, I have discovered that the podcasts I'm listening to are an entirely different experience than my usual TV marathons.  It must be admitted that I view TV passively.  I almost never break a show down and analyze it.  Rarely is my mind sparked by an interesting idea.  On the contrary, my brain has a tendency to simply shut off and I am mindlessly entertained.  In contrast, I have found myself invigorated by the shows I've listened to this week.  

It's a combination of several factors I think.  I have the initial enjoyment of learning something new, often on a topic I'd never have otherwise encountered.  My secondary enjoyment is in thinking further on the ideas I've just learned about--finding my own implications and possibilities not necessarily elaborated on the show.  And lastly, I am rediscovering my own love of information which has been dormant for kind of a long time I'm realizing.  I listen to these shows and I want to make my own.  Pick my own obscure topics to research and report on.  I'm remembering my interest in fairy tales and storytelling mechanics and wondering if I could put together a show about those things.  I'm writing this blog post after two months of blog neglect.

this has nothing to do with anything, but its funny and I couldn't find
a Heart and Brain about going to the gym.

Sometimes I see people on facebook posting statuses about how they've been slacking on their workouts, but they finally got back in the gym, and it feels so great!  I don't think I'm ever going to be one of those people.  Going to the gym will always suck.  But diving into hours of information for the love of information is reminding me that I do love working out my brain. 

And that I've been slacking on that for a while.  

And it feels really really great give my brain a little stretch.