A REALLY Uncomfortable Truth

Historically, I am a total sucker for a good chick flick.  Anyone who has seen my movie collection can tell you that.  But lately I've found my enjoyment of them to be tainted.  Cynicism, mocking, and yes, even a little bitterness have crept in.  This is because chick flicks are a bunch of lies.  

Now, I'm not talking about the relationships themselves.  I am still enough of an idealist that I do believe that two people can fall crazily in love and have a great, soul-mate-esque relationship.  Sure, I don't think it happens in one to seven days, and I think it takes a hell of a lot more work than the movies imply.  But I still believe in love, though that belief has been somewhat abused of late.  

No.  The lie isn't the relationships.  It's the story arc.  The "happily ever after."  The thematic assumption that people are "meant" to be together or that things will "work out in the end."  As the delightful Miss Prism says, "The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily.  That is what fiction means!"

Years of watching these movies, beginning with Cinderella and continuing with He's Just Not That Into You, have taught me one thing: if you want something to work out reeeeeeal bad and you have the patience to wait through all of the (pardon my language) shit then eventually it will happen.  He'll fall in love with you; you'll get exactly the job you've been wanting; your relationship with your mother will suddenly improve without you having to give up your habit of bitterly sarcastic witty banter.  Notice I said "wait" not "wade".  Through little to no effort on your part these miraculous blessings will fall into your lap as a reward for your...what?  Your patience?  Your blind, stubborn stupidity?  

Because guess what people; if you wait long enough the good aren't going to automatically end up happily and the bad unhappily.  That's not the way life works.  Sometimes, no matter how badly you want something and how much you think you deserve it, the world doesn't bend to your will.  He doesn't ever "wake up" and realize you're the girl he's been looking for right here in front of him; Scholastic doesn't discover your resume at the top of the pile and call you up to offer you a job as their editor in chief; and your mother doesn't learn to get over those pesky hurt feelings of hers and appreciate how dang funny you are. 

A lot of my life has been spent waiting for those rewards to come.  Waiting for God or the universe or whoever it is who metes out cosmic justice to notice that I've put my hours in and it's time for things to work out.  Working out is a lie.  It's ironic, really, since I just had a debate with a friend of mine about how much I hate the "it was/wasn't meant to be" philosophy.  As Aunt Woo says to Aang, "you create your own destiny."  Things aren't meant to be or not be.  They just are.

I think the key is recognizing which destiny is which.  Waiting for things in my life to "work out"; suffering through the misery while they were distinctly un-worked...that seemed like me trying to create my own destiny.  But it was just waiting.  Waiting for a destiny I'd picked out for myself and thought I deserved to happen.  Hoping that my "patience" in enduring things that I couldn't actually control would be counted as effort and that I could will my way into the happily ever after that I really wanted.  Picking circumstances isn't quite the same thing as picking destiny.  I can choose to be happy and I can work towards that happiness, but I don't get to pick exactly how it's going to happen.  Wanting it to be this way real bad doesn't mean that it is the way it's going to be.

So I guess it is time for me to give up waiting for things that I may want, but can't actually control.  My circumstances are never going to be changed by my wishing they were different.  And tenaciously hanging on to hopes that have no reason to exist doesn't earn me metaphysical brownie points to eventually be cashed in for karmic prizes.  My life is as it is right now.  I shouldn't resent some of my greatest blessings simply because they aren't quite the ones that I wanted.  Instead I'm going to work on changing myself rather than waiting for the world to change to fit me.  All that energy I put into enduring I'm going to try to redirect into growing.  It's going to be hard, but I'm hopeful.

Birthdays and Blues

It was my birthday this week.  I am officially on the downhill side of my second decade.  I find that I am not especially perturbed. I mean, I had that disturbing moment on WebMD last year where I realized that I was no longer in the 18-24 age range, but since then I've been pretty much fine with my advancing years (and everyone knows WebMD is just a disturbing place anyway).  But then, I've never had a problem with the idea of getting older.  Mine is not a lifestyle that I will struggle to sustain into my old age...

it's all about the sustainable lifestyle!

If you know me very well at all then you know that I dig birthdays in a major way.  Why wouldn't you?  Once a year, having a day set aside simply to celebrate the fact that you exist and that you are you, I can think of nothing better.  If I can get away with it, I actually like to stretch my celebrations out over a week, or at least a weekend.  This year, however, my birthday fell on a Monday--a circumstance I find that I rather dislike.  Birthdays should always be on a Thursday or Friday.  They just should.  Nothing so anticlimactic as wrapping up your party with a prosaic "well...I have to go to work tomorrow so I should go to bed..." 

screw Disneyland.  Everyone knows this is the happiest
place on earth.

Regardless of the unfortunate day upon which it fell, I had an absolutely lovely birthday.  Until now, my birthday has always been an excuse to get the day off of work; however, so much do I love my job that going to work seemed like a perfectly acceptable way for me to spend the bulk of my day.  Helps that my boss also happens to be one of my very favorite people.  Then I came home from work just in time for my self-organized birthday party.  While I appreciate the idea of a surprise party I've ultimately come to the conclusion that I prefer planning my own party.  Because I'm a control freak?  maybe.  Anyway, when you organize your own party you get to make fun stipulations.  Last year I requested that everyone bring me a present, any present at all, provided it was wrapped.  I love unwrapping things! This year I decided that all I wanted was flowers.  Initially I wanted fresh flowers, but upon further reflection I decided that since fresh flowers can be expensive, not to mention I love when people get creative, I would take any sort of flowers.  Except the nasty fake silk flowers.  Because those are gross.

these flowers are an insult to real flowers everywhere.  

I received some really beautiful flowers, predominantly fresh or made of paper.  Though there was one knitted one for me to clip in my hair.  But even better, a whole bunch of people who I love very much all came to my house and talked to me and each other and ate this cake that was made for me by my lovely roommate Callie.  And then we played the What If game, which is one of my absolute favorite games ever.  And then, though I wasn't originally planning on it, I had a mini blues party in my kitchen and danced with Griffin, John, and Caleb.  It was delightful in every possible way.

technically this is John dancing with me last year
but I very lamely forgot to take pictures this year...

And that is going to be my super smooth segue into the other half of this post.  Which is going to be about blues.  Which is why this post is called "Birthdays and Blues".  Should I continue to elaborate on this?

I went blues dancing tonight.  I didn't go last week because blues has been somewhat....less than fulfilling lately.  And I just didn't want to go and pay $5 to be less than fulfilled.  But this week there was a competition that I was maybe almost going to compete in.  Not to mention it is that wonderful time of year known as BIRTHDAY JAM!  Alas, I neither competed nor did I get a birthday jam (maybe next week?).  But what I did get was some absolutely marvelous dancing!  

aw man...homemade bread and jam!  Want!

My "on" nights are fewer and farther between these days.  I have been dancing long enough that I rarely get compliments any more.  So when both of those things happen it really makes my night.  And tonight I had both.  I realized I was going to pull John off at one point and actually managed to gain my balance and push him back on his so that we just kept right on going.  It was a beautiful moment and we both gave each other the "ohmygoshthatwasawesome!" face.  Mike Dymond said that he is always impressed at how "good your direction changes are! Dang!"  And Spencer asked me if I was in a good mood or if I was just feeling creative because the move I had just done (a backwards dip I've never in my life even thought about attempting before) was a "stroke of genius".  

I adore this picture!  Found here, this is more or
less what I did with Spencer

I don't list these compliments as a sort of litany of vanity.  Ok, maybe a little bit.  But I was proud of that moment with John, dangit!  But more importantly, I'm attempting to convey the feeling a spectacular night of dancing will give you.  If you have never experienced it it is very difficult to appreciate the joy that is connecting with another person and sharing a physical conversation in movement with them.  The ability to communicate is one of my favorite and most prized, and words are the joy of my life.  But to set words aside and find a line of communication underneath is thrilling and beautiful.  When you can feel you and your partner creating the perfect compliment to each other--feeling the movement and intention of his body and your body somehow moves you with him--the two of you are living, dancing, art.  As corny as that may sound. 

As someone who has little to no physical contact with people in my day to day life it's almost impossible to overstate how much a night like tonight means to me.  It reconnects me to the world.  After a week of lurking in my bedroom staring at my computer, going out and connecting with three or five or ten people at blues reconnects me to life.  It brings me out of myself.  

That's what will always keep me coming back for more.  

T-Rex...are you talking about pals?

So...friends.  They're kind of awesome.  And by kind of I mean totally and completely.

But really.  Think about it.

You have your family, right?  People who are sort of genetically predisposed to care about you.  You may get along with them, you may not, but they're family.  Most of the time they're always sort of in your corner. It's basically their job.

Then there's significant others.  T-Rex is right, of course, that significant others are just special friends who you get to kiss and tell secrets to.  But really, that's the thing.  With a significant other there's a whole bunch of different levels to that relationship.  There are things you expect them to give you and they expect you to give them.  And if you don't get and give those things then you or them might decide you're not so significant to each other after all.  Or maybe you give and get just the right things and you decide you're the most significant other ever.  Then you become married and that's its own thing altogether.

But then there's friends.  Friends are not your family; they are not people who kind of just have to love you because of your shared genetics.  And they're not your significant others so they don't get the benefits that go with that relationship either.

Friends, or "pals" as T-Rex likes to call them, are the completely random people who you come across in life that have absolutely no connection to you, but you love them and they love you back.  For no reason really, besides the fact that they just like you.

That's what fascinates me about friendship.  It is a relationship that really and truly is built on nothing more than the merit of its participants.  You don't have what T-Rex might call "sexy times" to reinforce your relationship.  You don't have some sort of rigid connection holding you with this person--no "I have to forgive him because he's my brother/uncle/cousin/whatever."  All you have is the fact that, for whatever reason, you really really care about that person.  And it is surprising to me how many people there are for whom that is quite enough for both of us.

I have so many awesome friends.  Sometimes I am overswept with an awareness of just how many absolutely wonderful people there are in my life.  People who, not only do I care about immensely, but who I know also care about me.  I don't think there is any way I could express how much that knowledge means to me.  Suffice it to say, when I think of my friends I feel so much gratitude to them, so much love, and so much happiness that I've been so lucky as to meet them.  And I'm always a little bit surprised that such awesome people enjoy hanging out with me. :)

and so many more...

Cheaters never prosper, but sometimes procrastinators do

Thanks to Obamacare I have been granted a few extra years of "free" insurance from my parents.  As of Monday, when I turn 26 years old, that insurance shall be no more.  Suddenly struck with the imminence of this catastrophe, and the realization that the hole that appeared in my tooth a couple of weeks ago certainly wasn't going to fix itself, I made haste to call a dentist.

get it?  Bennetttttt!  D'you get it?

I actually had realized that I needed to to make this appointment a month or two ago but had spent the intervening weeks somewhere between ostrich-like denial and paralyzing indecision as to which dentist I should trust with my mouth.  

yes...very much like this man...

It was at about 1:30 am last Saturday night (or Sunday morning?) when I was struck with the revelatory answer to my problem: my friend Jarom's dad is a dentist!  If I was the sort of person who did things like sit bolt up in bed when I get an idea then I would have sat bolt up in bed.  Instead, I was just consumed with anxiety and obsession; I must call Jarom in the morning!  What if he doesn't answer his phone?  Don't think about that...just think about calling him.  I have to call him!  I cannot forget to call Jarom in the morning!  At 1:45 am it seemed like a legitimate fear that either I would forget to make this call or that Jarom would somehow refuse to answer his phone when I called him and my mouth would be doomed forever.  As luck would have it, I happened to see Jarom walking right in front of me out of the Marriott Center after Regional Conference the next day rendering all my anxiety the night before unnecessary.  

pretty sure this is what my face looked like laying there in my bed 

What were the chances that I was going to be able to get in to see the dentist to fix my shattered tooth in a week?  I didn't kid myself that they were very good.  I called with little hope of success.  A woman named Nan answered the phone and I explained to her my situation.  

"Well, we have an emergency appointment opening today at noon.  Would that be alright?"  Um, yes.  Yes, Nan, that would be the most amazing thing ever.  

From that moment everything went as smoothly as was possible for it to go.  I came in for my appointment that day and met Dr. Youngquist, whose knowledge of Target employees and possession of a miniature AT-AT put me completely at ease.  

behold the irresistibly adorable artwork of James Hance.
Buy some of his stuff!  Go on, do it!

Dr. Youngquist took a look at my x-rays (and totally gave me a printout of them! score!) and referred me to Dr. Jenson at Cascade Endodontics to get a root canal.  Nan called them up for me, explained my time constraint, and came back and asked me if the next day would work.  Then she explained that Dr. Youngquist would be coming in Thursday morning (I found out later that this is a special trip as he usually only works Mondays and Tuesdays) to put in my permanent filling and crown.  They explain that, though the crown will take a mold which won't be ready for a couple of weeks, they'll be sure to bill it out on Thursday.  

So yesterday I went to my appointment with Dr. Jenson and experienced the fastest, most efficient root canal ever.  I was, no joke, in and out of the entire building in an hour, give or take 5 minutes.  Like, paperwork, waiting for the dentist, waiting on the numbface, paying, every single thing.  And the dental assistant gave me Dr. Jenson's personal cell number so that, should I have any sort of problem after business hours, I could call him for help.   And...when I asked the receptionist if they could hold off cashing my check till next week when I'd have my next paycheck she was 100% cool with it.  I came home and discovered a message from Dr. Vogel's office about setting up an appointment for today (Wednesday) to get my teeth cleaned.  

Thank you Allie Brosh for giving this to the internet for all it's cleaning needs...

Teeth cleaning happened with Greg, a softspoken (seriously--I could barely hear anything he said) birdlike man, and as I was leaving Jarom's dad made a point of coming out and introducing himself, bless him.  And this evening I got a call from Dr. Jenson just to check on me and make sure that I was doing well.  Tomorrow I will go in and see Dr. Youngquist again to finish everything up and get my crown.  

probably not a crown like this...just a guess

I have to say, out of a lifetime of surprisingly good dental experiences, this has definitely been one of the best.    I've got dentists calling me after hours to make sure I'm ok.  I've got other dentists coming in to work specially to get me all fixed up.  I am on a first name basis with Nan at the front desk.  Three days ago I was stressing out that my mouth was falling apart and would never be ok again ever!  Tonight I'm going to sleep with no other worry than the fact that it's 1 am and I have to be at their office by 8.  Which means I should wrap this up.  

So to finish, I want to put a recommendation for Vogel Dental and Cascade Endodontics out there. If you're in the Provo/Salt Lake area and you're looking for someone trustworthy to work on your mouth they are your people.  They're not paying me to write this, by the way (though if you guys want to send a little money my way for this totally blatant endorsement I'm down with that... *winkwink*).  I just wanted to document my superlatively good experience because good people deserve to be complimented.  

A slice of life may or may not be as good as a slice of fresh peach pie...

This summer was meant to be the Summer of Sewing.  However, since I didn't actually have a sewing machine (a sad fact which has only just been remedied by my awesome mother) that didn't end up happening.  Instead it became the Summer of Adventure and Travel...and let's face it, that's totally as awesome, if not more so, than sewing.

so excited to use this sucker!  Thanks mom!

Things got started with my absolutely awesome trip to Europe in March (a trip which I have been really terrible about documenting...I think I only made it through the first two days of the German leg... :-/ ).  This trip, unfortunately, took rather a toll on the rest of my summer, though this wasn't instantly evident.  Alas, when you spend that much money at the beginning of your summer, the end of your summer can wind up quite poverty stricken--but we'll get to that.  Especially since I regret nothing.  Well, I regret one pair of shoes, but not very much.

you can see why I don't regret them very much....

After Europe I took a month or two break from Travelling (you know, out of the state) but I continued to go on adventures.  I went to...well, nearly to Spiral Jetty.  I went to the Hogle Zoo where I discovered that my childhood enjoyment of zoos has been somewhat tempered in my old age and that now I find them both fascinating and quite depressing (particularly the monkeys...shoot!).  I also learned that carousels will always be awesome, especially ones where you get to ride exotic animals.  

there is no part of riding a bald eagle that is not awesome

It was at this point in my life that I started being aware of those repercussions of that super expensive Europe trip.  Adventures that included lots of gas and/or entrance fees were abandoned.  On the other hand, I promised Anneke that I would attend her wedding reception in Montana.  I couldn't bail on that!  So instead I brought two of her roommates to help pay for gas (and cause they're great girls and stuff) and nearly killed my car and got me to Montana.  I can't find any pictures of that trip (seriously?) so instead I'll post these three pictures I have of Anneke being adorable and awesome

How cute is this girl?

...the answer is:

Pretty darn cute

This was, however, the last nail in the coffin of my finances.  For the rest of the summer I've been bouncing between utterly broke (I mean, utterly) and pretty broke (slightly less broke than utterly).  You might think that this put an end to my adventure times...but you would be wrong!

I was lucky enough to join my friend Collin at the Stadium of Fire to see one of my favorite bands since I was about 3--The Beach Boys.  In case any of you were wondering, they may be getting older, but they still put on a truly awesome show.  The fireworks weren't bad either :)

aww...look at us there gettin' ready to rock this show!

At some point my brother decided that he wanted to go home for a visit and he invited me to come with him.  Spontaneous trips are some of my favorite.  And it was great to have the manly bonding the good sibling bonding time with my brother.  Siblings.  They're kind of the best things ever.  And then it was great seeing my family.  I haven't seen my nieces in about a billion years.  They're getting so OLD!  I also drove down to Price to visit Seth and Rachel and Seth's family.  Such great people!  I will always love that place.  And somewhere in there Tori and I drove up to Salt Lake to attend the Obon festival.  We witnessed some really stellar traditional Japanese dancing, and some less stellar traditional Japanese dancing.  I also wandered over to the City Creek Center for the first time and was treated to an awesome fountain show.  

seriously obsessed with this fountain..

Then there was just the ambient awesomeness of my routine life.  I spent my free time watching various movies, several amazing MST3K episodes, and most importantly all three seasons of Avatar with Matt.  

Matt's farewell party paying homage to Avatar, MST3K, and
his orange juice obsession

this is basically the essence of my summer right here.  Beautiful!

I got to (and continue to be so blessed) drive down to Payson every day for work.  I decided to go on an adventure one day on my way home and discovered a backroads-ish route that I take now when I'm feeling scenic.  I am rewarded with sights like this

Turns out 7 o'clock at the end of August = magic time

How lucky am I?  Pretty dang lucky!

Which brings us to August and my last two trips of the summer (this post has turned out much longer than I meant it to).  Way back at the beginning of summer my mom and I made a brilliant plan.  The plan was put in to action in the middle of August and I drove home one more time with my good friend Mike

brilliant conversationalist is Mike...

Callie also hitched a ride for one more visit home as well.  There was dancing and shooting and movie watching and familial bonding and taking of many pictures.  Good times were had by all.  

The final hurrah was last weekend.  The beautiful Laura McNeil and her equally lovely mother were so kind as to invite me to Fort Collins for Labor Day weekend to see none other than the legendary B.B. King in concert.  Which we did.  Among many many other things.  This post was originally destined to document this trip, but I ended up summing up my whole summer, so I think the details will wait for another post (there were some major life plannings that happened) and instead I'll just leave you with a few more pictures

yeah, those are vintage TMNT comics I used to read as a kid.
Plus the most delicious cream soda on the face of the earth.

my "fairy" costume for the Tour de Fat.  Kinda lame, I know...

everyone else's costumes...

one of my favorite costumes!

me and the awesome sunburn I got after the Tour de Fat.
Notice the really awesome raccoon lines where my makeup was...

100% legitimate Vaudville act which ended with a man juggling a real
chainsaw, a 14 pound bowling ball, and one fake egg

Princess Lollipo!  Another of my favorite costumes.
She gave me a butterscotch candy!

I...I wish I'd bought these...

The dessert of champions at the Chocolate Cafe.  Mmmmmmmm!

the journal I bought in Dublin and the journal I bought in Fort Collins.
I'm really digging the shorter journals--you fill them up faster and get to buy new ones sooner!

the list I made at the beginning of the summer.  Still plenty of things left on there!

And that is that.  My Summer of Adventure and Travel!  Indeed, this is the good life!