A Declaration of Self

I debated for a long while whether or not I wanted to post this, and then whether or not I wanted to post all of it.  But, obviously, in the end I decided to share it exactly as I wrote it because most of the time I choose not to say the thing I want to say and I don't know if that is the right decision always.  So this time I'm saying it and we'll see what happens.  This post is dedicated to a good friend of mine, that he may do with it what he wishes:

I have amazing friends.  Amazing, brilliant, ambitious friends who plan to go out into the world and set it on fire.  I have friends who plan on going and putting out those fires when they get out of control.  I look at my friends and I know that the future of this world is in good hands. 

But that’s not me.  When the time comes for that conversation and everyone is laying out their Lives of Awesomeness I am content to let them talk.  Because I plan on living a small life. 

A small life, not to be confused with an unimportant life, is one concerned with small things.  It is not a life that takes in the grand sweep of politics and the swirling world-governing laws of science.  It is a life centered on people.  A life centered on my future family.  A life that may travel the world, but will never move it—at least, not overtly. 

Perhaps the most inflammatory essay I ever wrote centered on the two different types of civic involvement.  I referenced the schools of thought of W.E.B. Dubois and Booker T. Washington from the Civil Rights Era (I was, at the time, applying these philosophies to issues of feminism).  Dubois was a staunch advocate of aggressive and even violent change.  If the world isn’t right then you scream and kick and shove until it is.  Make people notice you.  Make people notice the problem.  Make people change!  Washington, on the other hand, espoused almost the polar opposite policy.  If the world isn’t right then tuck in and do the best you can.  Work hard, live right by yourself, and eventually people will notice.  Right comes out in the end. 

Then and now I unabashedly align myself with Washington.  I am so glad that we have Duboisians and I am so glad that I do not have to be one of them.  Both are, I think, required to change the world and it is for that reason that I feel no embarrassment, shame, or guilt for my lifestyle.

And what, exactly, is my lifestyle?  It is a life in progress.  I am not perfect, in fact I am so far from it that I don’t think I could see perfect with one of those telescopes that they use to look at planets in other galaxies. 

But I am trying to, and mostly succeeding in, being happy.

I live a life that revolves around books and movies and jokes and thinking and most importantly of all, my life revolves around the people I love.  Those of you who know me the best hopefully know that that is true.  I live life on an individual basis, not a grand scope. 

These are all broad, practically generic statements.  I’m struggling to express myself adequately without getting caught up in unnecessary detail but I feel that doing so is reducing my thoughts to truisms.  I can only assure you that I mean what I say. 

What do I most want to say? 

I know who I am and I am happy with that person.  I have chosen the life that I am leading and I am satisfied with that choice.  I love so many things in this world and I am happy that I get to experience them all and live this small life of mine.  I am so glad that I have the luxury of forming my own future and growing slowly into the person I want to be.

And if my small life doesn’t seem up to par with yours, then you can go to hell. 

The Descendants

Don't worry, I'll be writing up the rest of my Europe adventure soon.  But I wanted to write this up tonight while I was thinking about it...and it's sort of connected to my trip...

My flights to and from Europe were, as expected, exceedingly long.  I watched many movies.  The last movie I watched was The Descendants

In case you haven't heard of it, The Descendants is the movie that scooped up all the awards that were leftover after The Artist swept through (incidentally, I also watched The Artist on my flight and I highly recommend it--so awesome!).  Briefly, it is about a man who has to reevaluate his life when his wife is critically injured in a boating accident just when he is also facing a massive financial decision.  His relationship with his home, his heritage, and his two daughters are all examined.  That so doesn't do the movie justice, but it is enough to be going one with.

Now, as I say, this was the last movie I watched, and I didn't quite time it right.  I was about 15-20 minutes from the end of the movie when the plane started to land and they turned the movie off.  It was sort of in the midst of a major moment and I was like "WHA.....???!"  So last Thursday, when my good friend John asked me if I wanted to come over and watch The Descendants with him and Bryan I jumped at the chance.  Not only was I willing to watch the movie again when it wasn't on a wretched 4" LCD chair-screen, but I was dying to know how it ended.

One of the things I really loved about this movie was George Clooney's character, Matt King.  He is a good man who knows how and when to control himself--a trait I value incredibly highly.  When he finds out that his wife was cheating on him his first priority is to protect his daughters.  His eldest already knows, but his youngest, a challenging 10 year old, has no idea.  At one point his older daughter goes in to see her mother and starts shouting accusations at her.  He pulls her aside and pleads with her "Don't ruin your mother for Scotty!"  I loved that so much.  And I loved that only one time do you see him cave in and vent some of the massive anger you know he must be feeling.  For a brief moment he is alone with his wife and he breaks down shouting at her.  But very quickly he collects himself and you never see that anger expressed again.  Not even in the face of his father-in-law's cruel and unfair accusations.  I can't really explain how much this meant to me.  So often stories glamorize and advocate the lack of control as the only "real" way to experience emotions and I think this movie was a beautiful contrast.

But my favorite scene was the last one.  The scene I missed on my flight.  It isn't anything dramatic or exciting.  It's just one long straight shot, as though you're looking out of their living room TV right at their couch.  Scotty, the youngest, is tucked into a corner, wrapped in her mother's old blanket, and you see her father coming back from the kitchen with two bowls.  He sits down next to her and hands her one bowl, filled with strawberry ice cream, and pulls the blanket over himself as well while holding his bowl of mocha chip.  They sit there, eating their ice cream, watching a documentary narrated by Morgan Freeman, and you can see the elder daughter walk by in the background.  She pauses, then comes in to the room and perches on the edge of the couch next to her father.  He scoots over so she has room and pulls the blanket over her as well, while she sinks back into the couch against him.  After he settles the blanket over her, he hands her his bowl of ice cream and they all watch the TV.  He reaches over and takes a bite of strawberry ice cream, the camera watches them watching the show, and then the scene ends.

After the movie ended they asked me where exactly I'd gotten cut off the first time.  I told them and explained how sad that was because that last scene was my favorite in the whole movie.  Callie agreed, but then scoffed "Except...I'd love to see any family that actually does that.  Everyone sits on the same couch, under the same blanket, with only two bowls of ice cream?"

It was one of those moments where you feel yourself creating a future memory in your head.  The moment where something hits that perfect soft spot in your soul and you know that one day you will recreate that moment in your own life.  That's how I felt about that scene as I was watching it.  Then, when Callie scoffed at it I was sad, as though she was telling me that I couldn't create that in my own future family one day.  That beautiful moment of unity and comfort.

But I will create that.  I will have a moment under the same blanket, sharing ice cream, all on the same couch with my children.  And when that moment happens, I will look at my life from above for just one second and I will see that I have fulfilled my dream and my soul will be completely and utterly content for a heartbeat.