A bit of philosophy

I’m going to apologize preemptively for this post, as I already know that it is going to be kinda long, kinda disorganized, and kinda less polished than I like my posts on this blog to be…in general.  What can you do?

It is difficult for me to organize my thoughts on this one.  I don’t know where to start or where exactly I want to end up.  I suppose I ought to begin with a little philosophy.  Not Deep Philosophy.  Just a little philosophy puddle, really, of my own creation.  This philosophy states that, in general, every person acts in the very best way they can, according to their understanding.  While I acknowledge that there will always be exceptions to every rule, I am going to say that, insofar as I can ever consider anything absolute or “across the board”, I consider this rule to be generally applicable.  Hence, no matter how bizarre a person’s behavior may appear, or how callous or cruel or insane, if you could only understand his or her thought process, experience, and just the brainpan in general, you would understand why that behavior was, to him or her, a good thing/logical thing/right thing to do.  This does not mean that people don’t make mistakes, or do bad or wrong things.  Just that, in the moment, they almost always think that they’re doing the right thing, or at least the least bad thing that they can.  I find that if I interact with those around me with this assumption it always helps me to understand them better.  If you believe that everything they do has some sort of rationale (as opposed to being specifically calculated to offend or hurt you) and all you have to do is figure out the thought process that led to it, you are much less likely to get your feelings hurt or at least, you won’t hold the hurting of those feelings against the person.  Hmm…did that sentence make any sense?  Oh well.  Pressing onward!

This being said, we’re going to leave my philosophy puddle sitting there on the mental sidewalk for a moment and turn our attention elsewhere.  Which is to say, we’re going to talk about me for a second.  I can’t help it.  I have to tell the story that goes with a new idea.  Anyway…

See, here’s the thing.  While most of the time I walk around doing a fairly good impression of a sane person, every now and then my disguise cracks and I become perceptibly crazy for a few days.  Not terribly frighteningly dangerously insane.  Just a bit unhinged and irrational.  I daresay it happens to more people than like to admit it.  Or maybe I just tell myself that to make myself feel better.  The point is, when this happens I desperately need to be around my fellow human beings.  If nothing else I can ape their behavior as a means to moderate my own.  Of course, it is inevitable that when one of these spells strikes all of my favorite people are out of reach.  Out of town here and there doing good and worthy things that I nonetheless resent them for because it means that I, in all my selfish glory, must deal with my unhingedness all on my lonesome.  Which is a very bad situation for me.

Such was the situation last weekend.  The insanity was coming, inexorable as the tide, and I was desperately seeking to stem the flow and failing on every effort.  My last hope was a visit to a dear friend of several years.  Alas, it was not to be.  I am still ignorant as to the explanation of his behavior, but upon my arrival at my friend’s home I was quickly made aware that something was wrong and my presence was not just a burden, but utterly unwanted.  Suffice it to say, I only spent a few hours in my friend’s company.  After those few hours I left in a state of such agitation, confusion, and hurt that I wished earnestly for the release of tears (which, of course, would not come), a thing I have never wished before in my life. 

I promise I’m coming to a point eventually.  

You see, I was sharing this painful experience with my mother this evening and she, like one or two other friends, advised me that I had done nothing wrong, and this dear friend of mine had treated me terribly.  She told me not to punish myself or go groveling to my friend trying to apologize for some unknown offense when he was the one who had actually acted wrongly.  She told me that it was up to him to make amends with me, and that until he did I ought to try to put it out of my mind.

Here we come to another puddle of my personal philosophy.  Is it philosophy when you just have a particular perspective about something?  Whatever.  The point is that I believe that all relationships are, ultimately, an exercise in cost-benefit analysis, where the value of the relationship in question is weighed against the value of one’s personal will.  The higher the value of the relationship to an individual the more likely she is to defer to the health of that relationship at the cost of her personal will.  Of course, in any good relationship both parties are engaging in this balancing act, saving one person from having to give up their entire self for the other.  Ultimately, it is this give and take which defines the importance of the relationship to you.  And when it is really and truly a deep and abiding connection you might be amazed at what “nonnegotiable” opinions/resolutions/behaviors you are suddenly willing to negotiate in order to maintain it.

This post isn’t meant to be so specific, related only to my bad experience of this weekend.  That experience simply serves as a very effective example of the point I’m trying (rather unsuccessfully) to get at.  I am trying to bring my two philosophy puddles together into one great big giant doo-HOO-zey of a puddle.   See, when I first considered my mother’s advice I thought she must be right.  That I had been mistreated and I ought not succumb to the impulse to abase myself at the feet of my friend and beg forgiveness when I didn’t even know what I had done to offend him.  But then I began to wonder why that was such a bad idea.  You see, if I know that my friend is acting with a reason that is valid to him (puddle #1) then does it really matter what that reason actually is in the determination of my reaction?  To answer that question you have to ask yourself why it is so important that your friend apologize to you when he or she mistreats you (rather than vice versa).  Again acknowledging that nothing in life is ever an absolute, I will put forth that essentially it is always nothing more than an affirmation of the value of your will over the value of the relationship (puddle #2).  This, by the way, is a fancy way of saying pride. 

What am I saying?  That that need you feel to be recompensed for abuse, even if with nothing beyond an apology, is actually a demand that your will be acknowledged as more valuable than the person who wronged you.  But what is our will, that it should hold such a valuable position?  What are we gaining from such an evaluation?  Really, I want you to think about it…  

Perhaps what is more important is to ask what would it cost us to evaluate things differently?  In the case of my friend, I can say without a moment’s hesitation that our friendship is infinitely more valuable to me than the ephemeral satisfaction I might gain from “holding strong” and forcing him to admit HIS error.  Indeed, to do so would cost me so much more than simply accepting that I am in the wrong, though I may not know why.  So in the case of my friend, I am going to disagree with my mother and go ahead and apologize.  Clearly I have done something to cause him to act like that, so in the end, it doesn’t really matter what it was because I am more interested in fixing our relationship than in proving myself to have been in the right.

But I said I wanted this post to be about more than just this one isolated incident.  It is obvious that this friend is very dear to me so it makes sense that I’m willing to value him so highly against my own will.  What about people who are not quite so important in your life?  Surely with them you are justified in valuing the relationship lower.  But I ask you again, what are you gaining by doing so?  Nothing more than the satisfaction of being right.  Of course, I’m not implying that such satisfaction is not very…um…satisfying.  But in the end, of what real value is it to you in comparison with real, healthy relationships with those around you? 

Sadly, I am not exactly as good as my philosophies and ideals.  There are still times that I don’t value those around me above myself.  Many many times actually.  But I think that it is a goal toward which I want to work.