I have been thinking with some guilt on my complete failure at blogging this year. My general goal is to post at least once a month; this year I have fallen far short of that goal. Partly I haven't had anything I want badly enough to write about and partly I just spend very little time on my computer anymore (phone and tablet have essentially taken over my internet needs). But the urge to blog has at last returned to me, as it so often does, because I am having a lot of emotions and I need to vent them. This is why my blog is so entertaining...
So what is going on?
What is going on is that it turns out I am kind of a major coward. I do not like change, even when it is a change I have wanted for a very long time. But, in the words of the immortal Lewis Carol, I shall endeavor to begin and the beginning and when I get to the end, stop.
The first issue that must needs be addressed is money, though I'll try to be quick. Suffice it to say, I have none. My finances have been dwindling since the beginning of this year. I did that thing where I pretended like I was rich and carefree because I started the year not entirely broke. It didn't take long for me to realize that was a horrible plan, and months later I'm still mentally slapping myself for it, but sadly the damage is done. Things have been grim ever since, more or less. My life now is a state of constant white knuckling from one paycheck to the next.
To be sure, I am aware of my good fortune. I may not have any extra, but I have not yet come up short and I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for that fact. But knowing that your life is the financial equivalent of that fork and toothpick trick and that the slightest bump will bring everything down around your ears is....wearing.
Perhaps this preceding stress will give me some excuse for my reaction, then, to the news Caleb gave me a few weeks back.
For over a year now Caleb has periodically come down to the basement to have a little chat with me about "the future of the company." Every time he likes a different plan--release lots of new products one conversation, shift into high-end markets the next. Then, about five weeks ago he comes to me again. But this time his plan is to close CH Robotics down entirely. This has always been listed in the possible options, but never seriously considered till now. But it is all very vague. He's going to look into selling, but maybe he'll just sort of go dormant, or maybe he'll officially close up shop. He isn't sure.
Even though this sounded like another one of Caleb's ephemeral ideas--typically forgotten in a few days--it nonetheless sparked a pretty nasty anxiety attack. That whole gratitude thing about always coming up flush no matter how close, it only works because I have this magical job that pays me really well. Suddenly my rainbows and unicorns job has gone from anchor to...what is the opposite of an anchor? The wind? Sure, let's go with the wind. Whimsical and dangerous to rely upon.
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I prefer this sort of whimsy. If you do as well, then might I suggest my whimsical pinterest board
where you shall find many more such whimsical images to make you feel happy |
Things have remained in flux since then. But slowly a picture has pulled together of what is probably going to happen. Some time ago one of the components on our primary product was going out of stock with our supplier so Caleb bought out their entire stock. The gyro/accelerometer IC. This has become Caleb's countdown; as soon as I've used them all up he plans to shut down manufacturing. At first he projected next spring, then February, and then this week he asked me if I could get them all built by the middle of November. For those keeping track that means that the deadline of my own joblessness went from March to February to two weeks from now. Though, I hasten to add that Caleb assured me that he will find things for me to do long enough for me to find a new job. Bless his heart, he is doing his best to help me as best he can. His deadline for closing the company entirely after we sell out our inventory is still the end of the year and from what he said I got the feeling he was assuming I'd stay till then as well. Though I suspect he'll run out of things to keep me busy before then.
The thing is, objectively this really is not a bad situation. I have been given plenty of warning of what is happening, and my boss is working really hard to help me out in every way he can. It is a pretty decent bet that I could get another job doing what I've been doing at CH. And then there's the fact that this is actually a great opportunity. I have been dying to get out of Utah for years now and, since I finally graduated, the only thing holding me here theoretically has been this job. Indeed, one could interpret the whole situation as a cosmic kick in the pants to get on with my life.
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this is what came up when I googled "cosmic kick in the pants"
and I regret nothing |
And yet...
Even though I know all of these things, the fact remains that I am, to use the vulgar expression, scared absolutely shitless about the whole thing. I am terrified and anxious and perpetually on the verge of freaking out. Like I said at the beginning, it turns out I'm a massive coward. But I feel like I need to explain why. Like I need to justify my emotional response even to myself to prove that I'm not just a...a....a cotton-headed ninnymuggins.
First, know that above almost anything else I hate unsureness. Which isn't a word, but you get the point. To illustrate just how much I hate it, let me remind you all of the time I withdrew from BYU. It was 2007 after my study abroad and I was broke. I spent the summer trying to figure out how I was going to pay for school and taking my first steps down the road of churning anxiety with no outlet. Ultimately I decided I was going to withdraw for a year and try to earn money. At the time, if you didn't formally defer by a specific deadline then you were considered withdrawn and would have to reapply to come back. I made this decision and I immediately felt better--I now had a solid point from which I could navigate further. I then spent fall semester working, saving no money, and coming to the realization that I had made the wrong decision. I should have gone back to school. Nothing made this more clear than the moment BYU called me, a few weeks before winter semester was to begin, to tell me that their enrollment numbers were unexpectedly low so they were opening enrollment to students who had missed the deferral deadline instead of making them re-apply. Now, I don't know the official numbers, but at the time that felt pretty dang specific to my situation. Not quite a kick, but certainly a cosmic nudge in the ribs. But I turned them down. Because I had already made the decision. I so badly didn't want to have to revisit it, and consequently throw myself back into the marshlands of unsureness, that I consciously chose to continue making the decision that I very definitely knew was the wrong one (which, now I think about it, is possibly why the cosmos have upped their game to pants kicking). So now apply that to my current situation and maybe you can catch a glimpse of my current unhappiness. I don't know what is happening with the company and I don't know what is happening with my job and I don't know what is happening with my life and hate all of those thing. So much.
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I give up finding relevant pictures. I'll
just give you more from my whimsy board |
Second. This one is kind of embarrassing. As it turns out, I haven't actually had to search for a job in nearly a decade. And before that I only ever really went through the process twice....eh....once and a half. My last couple years of high school I worked but whatever...high school jobs aren't exactly critical. After I graduated I moved to Portland to live with my dad for the summer before college with the vague idea that jobs would be more plentiful in the big city. I proceeded to spend the entire summer searching fruitlessly until August when I was hired as the BB gun range instructor at a scout camp working 12 hour days for the astounding salary of $75/week. That is the half. The once was that same summer after my study abroad. I was again living in Portland with my dad and I spent a month or two traipsing around Hillsboro handing out resumes (what was even on them??), falling down hills, and eventually getting a job at Target which I would hold for the next four years. I spent a year in Hillsboro and then transferred down to Orem. I cannot tell you how much easier it was to move back to Utah knowing that I had a job waiting for me there. When I eventually left Target it was completely unplanned. My brother had gotten a job at Vivint recently enough to suggest, in the glow of his employment honeymoon, that I too apply cause then we could work together and how great would that be?! So I applied on a whim, was called in for a interview a couple days later, and walked out of that interview with a job offer. Certainly not a change of necessity. Then, three months later after I realized that the only thing worse than customer support in person is customer support over the phone, I was chatting with Caleb whilst he complained about putting many stickers on many sensors and I joked that he should hire me because putting stickers on things sounded like exactly my kind of work. And a few weeks later he did just that. In both cases jobs were basically handed to me. I feel like I've forgotten how to find jobs, not that I was ever very good at it (BB gun range instructor for $75/week). All I remember about the process is how ungodly awful it is. And the couple of hours I spent peeking into the classified corners of the internet today only confirmed that impression. How do you find jobs to apply for them???
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| actually...this is totes relevant |
Third, and last...moving. As I said, I've been dreaming of getting out of Utah for years now. But dreaming of something is a lot different than being faced with the actual reality of it. I've started thinking of exactly what a move would mean. I complain about how few friends I have these days, but a few is definitely more than literally zero. I learned this when I moved into my own apartment. I told myself before I moved that my roommates were hardly ever home so it probably wouldn't be much different. Once again, not many is distinctly more than none; rarely home is still more than never home because they don't exist. If I moved to let's say Pittsburgh or somewhere in Michigan I would truly be alone. I wouldn't even have acquaintances. And the friends that I do have hear are dear ones. I'd be leaving behind Caleb and Kara and Michelle and Taka. And my brother. There are all kinds of layers to my feelings about moving away from my brother and only some of them are social. And as for the rest of my family, no longer would I be a comfortable day's drive away if I wanted to visit. Add in the hassel of the actual process of moving, something I just went through a few months ago, and would have to translate into the greater trial of moving long distance... Suffice it to say, while I know that I don't want to live in Utah, I am becoming aware that leaving will not be an unequivocally happy decision.
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| this feels accurate.... |
So does that explain it? Do I have a right to my perpetual anxiety and stress? Do all these reasons add up to legitimacy? I don't know. Sometimes I think yes, other times I think I need to get over myself and realize that everything is fine and it will all work out. Most of the time I am thinking both of those things at once. But I do feel a little better having written it all out, which is usually the case. I guess that's a point for Allen, my long lost therapist. He'd be so proud to hear me say that sharing my stress, even with the vagueness of the internet, makes me feel better. I do often think of him and wonder if this would all be easier if I could go and tell him all about it. Who is to say.
But if anyone else has persevered and read through this whole thing, well, I thank you.
